Twelve Stupid Men

« August 2005 »

Memo to my so-called peers: YOU ARE DUMB.

You know why I'm never going to commit a serious crime? Not morality. Not fear of punishment. I'm terrified of placing my fate in the hands of juries.

Because juries are made up of jurors, and jurors are people, and people are fucking stupid. And selfish. And crazy. Still, it could be worse. At least I'm not famous, too.

Case in point: Ray Hultman and Eleanor Cook. Let's face it. It's incredibly hard to get me to feel sympathy for Michael Jackson. I mean, yes, tragic figure, ruined childhood, yadda yadda. There are lots of tragic figures with ruined childhoods out there, and most of them don't go through millions of dollars and end up even more fucked up than when they started.

But Hultman and Cook... if these two Jackson jurors are any kind of sample of the kind of people that are sitting on juries today, my advice to you all is don't even LITTER.

First, they're both writing books. Which is really fucking tacky. I know that it is American tradition to cash in on any famous situation you happen to find yourself accidentally near, but it's still tacky. Especially when you title your books "Guilty As Sin, Free As A Bird" (Cook) and "The Deliberator" (Hultman). That's just sad. Especially Hultman's, which makes him sound like an action hero who thinks about it for an hour before shooting you in the head.

They're both peddling the same story - that they believed Jackson was a kiddie-fiddler, but due to the unbelievable pressure from the other ten jurors, caved and voted "not guilty" on all charges. Now free of that pressure, their true story must be told. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I really think he is a danger to young boys and it breaks my heart." - Cook. Here's a hint. If you really believe that's the case, the place to make your principled stand is IN THE COURTROOM. If they threaten to throw you off the jury, get thrown off. If they yell at you... so what? If you're really defending the innocence of young boys, what's a little yelling between jurors?

That way, when you find yourself printing up "Don't Snap Your Fingers At Me, Lady" T-shirts commemorating what you yelled at the victim's mother after the trial, you'll do so from a firm moral high ground. Or at least the closest thing you can manage to one.

I'll warn you all right now, if I catch you on the streets in a "Don't Snap Your Fingers At Me, Lady" T-Shirt, I'll... I'll... fuck, I can't do ANYTHING, because if I do, I'll end up before some jury filled with T-Shirt-hawking grannies with book deals. This whole court is out of order.

Hultman, who bears a striking resemblence to the love child of John Bolton and Don Knotts, ain't much better.

"There were a lot of people that were interested in this case from day one. People expect to know what's going on with their justice system and how things work." - The DELIBERATOR, on why he's not actually cashing in, but really providing a civics lesson on our court system to all the citizens who were captivated by the Jackson trial.

No, really. You can tell he's sincere. Just look at his T-Shirt. It says "I'm Sincere" on the front in big block letters, and "Even though I said something completely different right after the trial ended" in really tiny letters on the back.

Remember, in America, it's innocent until you're proven guilty, or until you're found innocent but your jury gets a book deal. USA! USA! USA!