Focus On My Finger

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Memo to James Dobson: YOU ARE DUMB.

I realized recently that Dobby, the Homo-Hating House Elf has never gotten significant treatment in this space. Sure, he's been mentioned in passing a couple of times - the Spongebob Is Gay thing and just as shorthand for the reprehensible right wing. But I've never really examined him in detail. And you know what? He's an even bigger prick than I thought.

Dobson, for those who've recently been released from the Phantom Zone, is the head of Focus on the Family, the standard-bearer for Christian bigotry in America. You will frequently see him referred to as "Dr. James Dobson", but I am, within this space, retroactively voiding any or all PhD's in psychology he may have received. I'd sooner seek medical advice from Doctors Teeth, Mengele, Kevorkian, And/Or Giggles.

This is a man that has the ear of power. And when the clinically insane have the ear of power, it's important to check in every once in a while, to remind us of what those our government currently hold in such esteem actually think.

So let's take a look, shall we, at Focus on the Family's spinoff site, Focus on the Child. This website has important tips on parenting, discipline, and most importantly of all, how to make sure your kid doesn't turn out either fruity or dykey. Mostly fruity.

This section is entitled "Helping Boys Become Men, and Girls Become Women". See, this is something I was previously unaware of. I knew that Dobson and his crew hated gay people, but I thought that, living as we do in the twenty first century, the ridiculous impression that gender is defined by what you like to fuck had been left in the retarded scrap heap of history. Nope. Here's how Dobson suggests you determine if your son may develop the cock-craving lifestyle choice. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy." - That's not gay. That's NERDY. Hell, I had all those traits growing up, and yet somehow, I'm straight. It's almost as if Dobson's theories were completely fucking ridiculous.

"A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes." - It's like they believe there's a set amount of time men can spend around women in their lifetimes, and if they squander it all before puberty, they'll have no choice but to spend their twenties at Leather Night.

"A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them 'queer', 'fag' and 'gay.'" - This is the one that convinces me Dobson is not just hateful, but also DANGEROUSLY CLUELESS.

If you are actually going to take developmental advice from a man who thinks SCHOOLYARD BULLIES are employing sophisticated gaydar to locate and single out potential homosexuals, you need to have your child taken away from you, preferably to a foster home on Fire Island. It's like assuming that when I say something sucks, I'm making a carefully-researched statement on relative air pressure.

And that's just the TEXT. The subtext of that metric is that if you don't want your kid to turn out gay, you better damn well make sure he picks on OTHER KIDS and calls THEM "faggot". That way, they'll be the sinners!

I also love how, despite the gender equity of the title, Dobson spends all of his time and effort making sure BOYS don't turn gay. Lesbians are a bit of an afterthought, really. No warning signs at all about whether your daughter may be due a free toaster. On the rare occasion the site mentions lesbians at all, it accuses them of "infiltrating the Girl Scouts", and that's just a drive-by smearing to get at the gay men. You see, while Focus On The Child admits that only a very small percentage of gay men are pedophiles, they also claim that ALL GAY MEN WANT TO FUCK YOUR CHILDREN. They're slightly more subtle about it than that, but only slightly.

So what do you do if your son has triggered one of Dobson's dubious homosexual tripwires? Tune in tomorrow, gentle reader, as we embark on Dobson's sure-fire steps to PREVENT HOMOSEXUALITY.