Spastic Protest Monkey Monday

« August 2005 »

Boy, the fun never stops down in Crawford, does it? And neither does the DUMB floating around the protest by Cindy Sheehan. If you've been under a rock (or limiting yourself to network news, same difference) for the past week-plus, you may not know that Cindy Sheehan is down in Crawford demanding to meet with the President during his five-week summer vacation. Cindy Sheehan's son died in Iraq, you see, and so she'd like another word with the President.

She did talk to him once, but that was pre-Downing Street. Pre a bunch of stuff, really. And while there's certainly a bit of political grandstanding in what Sheehan's doing, I'm comfortable with that. After all, if you subtracted the political grandstanding and the brush-clearing from Bush's two terms in office so far, all you've got left are the seven minutes he kept reading My Pet Goat.

Sheehan's protest is drawing attention from all types - filthy hippies who realize their path to respectability lies through Sheehan, local conservative deejays who realize their path to notoriety is through Sheehan, and, oh, by the way, a Protest Warrior.

The Protest Warriors have had a lot of time to catch up on their crocheting and Scrabble since the start of the war and the election. They're just a bunch of assholes - line-toeing, boot-licking fuckwads with the bitter, acrid scent of the Konservative Kool-Aid on their breath. They show up when there's an anti-Bush protest and counter-protest. And since they're buddies with the Bushies, their free-speech zones usually have plasma TV's and catering.

One of them, one Bill "Mrs." Garrett of Dallas, came down because the country needed him. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I feel sorry for Cindy, but I think she went about this the wrong way. Somebody's got to stand up to them." I'm sure the Bush Administration, the State Department, and the Pentagon are glad ol' Bill Garrett's there to help them stand up against a 48-year-old woman and a couple of hundred leftists sharing one bathroom. I believe no less a personage than Donald Rumsfeld breathed a sigh of relief when Garrett pulled up in his Ford F-250 Super Duty festooned with so many Support Our Troops magnets it's actually better-armored than most of the Humvees in Fallujah.

Not all the idiots are imported from the exotic, far-away land of Dallas, though. Local resident Larry Mattlage, presumably overcome by the smell of patchouli and the tromping of Birkenstocks, lost his temper yesterday and fired off his shotgun in the air.

Showing that when it comes to plausible deniability, Mattlage is considerably less ept than the president he follows, he told people he was just "getting ready for dove season". DOVE SEASON. Get it? Doves? Peace? Hippies? This is why all of Texas' comedians end up going into politics.

Your media advocacy moment - the Daily Telegraph, in Britain, reported this story with the headline "Shots Fired Near Bush Protesters".

Fox News gave the story the headline "Bush Neighbor Suffers Protest Fatigue". In many ways, it's not so much a "no spin zone" as it is a "net zero spin zone", as every bit of angular momentum Fox builds up around stories like this is matched precisely and oppositely by the rotation of Edward R Murrow in his FUCKING GRAVE. I suspect that if Walter Cronkite doesn't die soon, he'll have to be hooked up to a centrifuge so that our day stays the same length.

Fox quoted Mattlage extensively, by the way, including this gem. ACTUAL GUN-TOTING PIGFUCKER QUOTE TIME!

""I mean, would you like somebody invading your house for a long time and blocking your view and blocking your road? I wake up every morning [with] this crowd, and I go to bed every night with this campground down here on a public road, which I'm paying taxes to, the middle of this road." - I suspect other news outlets didn't use this quote because, well, the protesters aren't actually on Mattlage's property at all. Much less "invading his house". Which he then admits in the second half of the quote.

That second half is also where he seems to claim that we get to fire off guns whenever we see something we don't like on the road, because we pay for the roads with our taxes. I'm not sure that reasoning will fly with local authorities the next time a Honda Element cuts me off on the highway, but I'm certainly tempted to see how far it gets me.