And I'm Sure They Were Pro-Life, Too

« August 2005 »

Memo to faith-healers: DIE, ROT, AND STOP BREEDING.

Not necessarily in that order.

At the top of the list of when religion becomes psychosis are the stupid, stupid fuckers who think God will save them when they get sick if they just pray hard enough. Despite millenia of evidence that even the devoutest of the devout get sick and die, there are hundreds of people out there who turn to prayer and shun any sort of medical treatment.

That is deeply stupid. But it is also self-correcting. So by all means, if you feel that strongly about the power of prayer, let God take care of your swollen appendix. Go to town. Pray your ass off. Because in another couple of days, that's one less psychotic running around praising God and annoying the rest of us. All I ask is that you try to keep your life insurance paid up so that your kneeling, bloated corpse doesn't provide too huge a burden for your loved ones.


You fuckers keep breeding and killing your kids. And that, I'm afraid, is simply unacceptable. So if you really, truly believe that faith is a suitable replacement for a cast when you break your leg, then do us all a favor and make one, JUST ONE trip to a doctor, and get your retarded ass sterilized. Of course, if you had the wherewithal and the foresight to do THAT, it wouldn't actually be necessary, would it?

The latest case involves Dewayne and Maleta Schmidt, of Indianapolis, Indiana. Not only did they not not breed, they not not bred THREE TIMES. Coincidentally, three times is also the answer to "How many times did their five month old daughter turn blue while they prayed over her?" Prayed instead of going to a doctor. Prayed until their child died. Of a common postpartum infection that clears up with a dose or two of antibiotics, and does not clear up after a dose or two of Amenicillin.

You may be thinking, at this point, that the Schmidts deserve sympathy. That they were raised with certain beliefs (albeit ludicrous ones), and that they followed them, not knowing any better. Which would be bad enough, but Maleta Schmidt is the sister of one LaRonda Hamm. LaRonda and her husband Wesley belong to the same church as the Schmidts, the General Assembly and Church of the Firstborn.

The Hamms are in prison. I would have you guess WHY the Hamms are in prison, but I'm betting you can see this one coming. The Hamms are in prison because THREE OF THEIR CHILDREN died after the Hamms chose prayer over medical care. That, by the way, is half the total number of Hammlings these two morons popped out. The Hamms were inexplicably given probation after they killed their children, but they violated probation when they ignored orders to take the half of their offspring that were still breathing to the doctor every once in a while.

So the Schmidts lost three motherfucking nephews and/or nieces to the power of prayer. To any sane person, this would be an indication that maybe there's something to this medicine thing after all. Or at least that God is a capricious coin-flipper. But not the Schmidts. They went right ahead and prayed over their five-month old baby, and God came up tails.

The courts tend to be more sympathetic than I am. The couple got six years for reckless homicide, but it was suspended, and instead they each get a year of work-release, and they get to keep their two remaining kids, under the condition that they bring them to doctors. I bet that'll work out great. Learning is not the strong suit of these folks. They shrug off infant mortality like I shrug off coming in second place in Burnout 3.

But there is yet hope for cosmic irony. You see, in 1999, Maleta was seven months pregnant with her other daughter, Makalynn. Things were going badly. Someone called 911 anonymously, and an emergency Caesarean saved the mother and the daughter. In addition to providing empirical evidence of the ability of modern medicine, the incident led to a $172,000 medical bill, which a court just ruled the Schmidts are stuck with, religion or no religion.

And while the bill is certainly a horrible example of how deeply fucked the health insurance system in this country is, I will let it slide, just this once, for this couple, because maybe being a couple hundred grand in the hole will keep them from having any more children they can force their ridiculous beliefs on and kill.