Oh, And He's Also A Fire-Breathing Cyborg

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Memo to Pat Robertson: YOU ARE DUMB.

Dumb like a retarded fox. I will do my very best to avoid covering the Obvious Ground, as so aptly covered by the leftie blogosphere. The hypocrisy angle especially.

I love the left as much as the next guy, but for fuck's sake, why is it every time some psycho wingnut calls for the death of America's enemies, we have to pull out the old Hypocrisy Hammer and start forming an equine protein paste out of the "respect for life" and "not very Christian of him" rhetorical amino acids?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. These people treat logical contradiction like my colon treats Taco Bell. It just passes right through, and any twinge of discomfort it may induce is easily shrugged off for the greater good.

So when Pat Robertson, in a slightly-more-bugfuck-than-usual moment, called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chaves during the 700 Club on Monday, don't think the Jesus-drones tuning in for their news thought for one second that maybe Robertson had gone too far.

What Robertson actually said, which I quote here for the incremental benefit it may provide the half-dozen of you who somehow missed it, is that "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come to exercise that ability. This is a dangerous enemy to our south controlling a huge pool of oil."

Why is Chavez so dangerous? He's a LEFTIST. Fuck, that brings me back. South American leftist leaders with control over resources, getting "taken out" by the US because they threaten American corporate interests... I suppose 80's nostalgia had to hit geopolitics at some point. I can't wait to hear Chris Jericho and Flavor Flav discussing death squads on VH1.

Of course, in 2005, El Miedo Rojo doesn't carry the cachet it did back in the days of leg-warmers and the Gipper. So Robertson had to tie Chavez to the modern-day Brown Scare, too. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Chavez was back in power, but we had a chance to move in. He has destroyed the Venezuelan economy, and he's going to make that a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent."

Now, to save myself a bit of intellectual rigor, I'm going to pretend that Robertson got the economy thing right. Not that I think he IS right, but Chavez is no poster-child for brilliant government, so we'll let it slide. Certainly big business and the oil industry in Venezuela aren't thrilled with him, but that says different things to different people.

And this so-called "strong-arm dictator" did survive an internationally-monitored recall election in 2004. Maybe Venezuelans love communist infiltration. I don't know. I'll add it to the list of 2004 election results I find utterly incomprehensible, and give that one to Robertson too, out of the spirit of trans-faith kindness.

But a "launching pad for Muslim extremism"? Good luck there, Chavez. The best estimates on the Muslim population of Venezuela I could find ranged between 100,000 (0.5% of the population), and zero (diddly-squat% of the population). The rightiest-righty source I could find on the subject, Stratfor, had to settle for "there's some, and we don't know how many, and that's scaaaary".

How the fuck is Hugo Chavez, whose faith falls somewhere between Godless Commie and Generichristian, going to spread Muslim extremism all over South America? Since Robertson's a filthy bigot, he's obviously assuming any Muslims in South America must be extremists, but they still ain't gonna take marching orders from a guy in a beret.

But that doesn't matter to Robertson, and more importantly, it doesn't matter to the 700 Club audience. If you've ever watched the 700 Club, you know that nobody with the slightest critical faculty can manage more than ten minutes of it without symptoms including vertigo, nausea, and random hemorrhaging. Pat's audience went to bed firm in their knowledge that Hugo Chavez was a Satanic Stalinist with ties to 9/11. And Robertson knows that whatever half-assed recanting he's eventually forced into by public outcry won't change that.