Richard Simmons Thinks You're A Wuss

« September 2005 »

Memo to Arnold Schwarzenegger: YOU'RE A PUSSY.

You suck so much at this. If I were living in California, I'd be randomly punching two out of every three people on the street right now, just on the odds that they voted for you in the recall election. Motherfuckers are regretting that now, aren't they?

Can we stop calling him the Governator now? Please? In terms of actually governing, the only thing he's as persistent as the Terminator at is sucking. Calling him the Governator distances you from the idea that he's actually running one of the most powerful states in the Union. Since defeating Gary Coleman less than two years ago, he's pissed everybody off except for two constituencies.

The people who stop at the (R) next to the name and whip out their Pavlovian flags, and the people with nothing but Predator, Terminator, and Commando in their DVD racks.

I mean, the man has a lower approval rating than DUBYA's got right now. Not only is that astonishing in its own right, but remember, unlike Dubya, Schwarzenegger has previous successes on his resume. Not only has he fallen farther, he started at a much greater height. The public hasn't responded this badly to a career change since "The Return Of Bruno" hit shelves.So Arnie finds himself in a situation he can't grope or smoke his way out of. The California legislature passed a bill that would remove any gender language from the state's marriage law, meaning full, equal, none of that domestic partner bullshit gay marriage for everyone in Cali. But remember what I said about the remaining constituent groups?

None of the few people still supporting Arnie like gay people all that much.

The man who campaigned as an outsider, as a non-politician, as someone not beholden to special interests (defined as teacher's unions and firefighers and most definitely not fitness magazines no sirree), now finds himself having to play a political balancing act, vowing to veto the gay marriage bill and sounding awfully... Clintonian in his weaseling out. It's a desperate attempt to appease the bigots while not pissing off the California center-left. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Five years ago the matter of same-sex marriage was placed before the people of California. The people voted and the issue is now before the courts. The Governor believes the matter should be determined not by legislative action - which would be unconstitutional - but by court decision or another vote of the people of our state. We cannot have a system where the people vote and the Legislature derails that vote. Out of respect for the will of the people, the Governor will veto AB 849." - Arnie's press secretary, Margita Thompson.

Since Arnie likes the phrase so much, let's see just how many Girlie-Man Points are represented by the above paragraph:

Hiding Behind Press Secretary: 20 points. Plus an extra ten because Arnie's hiding behind a girl. Couldn't Mr. Manly come out and tell us himself he was going to screw over Team Selfish Hedonism?

Deferring To The Past: One point per year, five total. "Five years ago". It's not his fault he has to veto it, something happened five years ago!

Hiding behind the courts: 40 points. I'm not sure, exactly, how "legislative action" is automatically "unconstitutional", but that's part and parcel with Arnie's referendum-loving, lawmaker-hating image. But acting like the courts are the only people who can settle this is just him wanting to have it both ways. If the courts reject gay marriage, it's not his fault, and if the courts approve it, he scores double-points with the bigots, who now get to bitch about "activist judges" again.

Ignoring civil rights history: 20 points. - Every bit of civil rights progress we've made as a society happened over the dead body of the will of the people. If the will of the people were even remotely egalitarian, history would be completely different. And since this is a civil rights issue, falling back on the "will of the people" is purest bullshit.

And speaking of the will of the people... 25 points. - Where the fuck does a man with a 36% approval rating get off talking about the will of the people? Especially one who specifically invoked that will to throw the previous office-holder out on his ear when Gray Davis' approval rating was right around... THIRTY SIX PERCENT.

The will of the people, Mr. Governor, is that they construct a time machine, go back to 2003, and slap themselves upside the head for considering voting for your steroid-scarred ass. Barring temporal shenanigans, maybe you should accept the "will of the people", resign, and let someone with more traditional political incompetence run things for a while.

But that would take balls, honesty, and integrity - three things obviously missing from a man who, in one paragraph, racked up 130 Girlie-Man Points.