Living Way Above The Fold

« September 2005 »

The modern news story is, in many ways, the journalistic appendix. It's a barnacle, a parasite in today's hyperattenuated scrolling-crawl world. Why read an entire story when it can be summed up in a dozen words of big bold type? Which is why, periodically, we at You Are Dumb Dot Net forgo the in-depth analysis and artisanal dickjokery we're famous for, and just dip our toe into the journalistic miasma. Yes, it's HEADLINE DAY!

Counter Anti-War Rally To Take On Sheehan

Ah, the convolutions Fox News will go to. "Counter Anti-War Rally". If an anti-war rally is against war, then the opposite would be pro-war. But Fox News has seen the poll numbers, something that cannot be said for the pro-war protestors who claim to be the "silent majority". So it's "counter anti-war". Similarly, the estate tax will now be referred to as the "Anti-Life Equation".

In an interesting tense decision, the rally is still "going to" take on Sheehan, even though the story from this headline appeared on Sunday, after a few hundred or so warmongers managed to "take on" over 100,000 peaceniks in DC. The peace marchers, by the way, frequently got described as "thousands" in headlines, which is both technically accurate and yet a semantic diminishing by several orders of magnitude. Go Team Liberal Media!

Republicans Say Next Court Nominee Won't Get Free Pass

Just in case it wasn't disheartening enough to be a Democrat these days, along comes the New York Times to helpfully point out that on the off chance Bush's next Supreme Court nomination gets any opposition at all, it'll be REPUBLICANS leading the charge.

Not that it's surprising, given the Dems can't even hold together a symbolic vote against the Sargeant Schultz of the modern judiciary, but it's still sad to know that if Bush appoints a complete loony to replace O'Connor, I'm going to be looking at Lincoln fucking Chafee to see if there's actually going to be a fight about it.

Director Goss Lays Out Vision For CIA

Can someone tell me exactly what Porter Goss has been doing for the past YEAR since he became director of the CIA? He's just now getting around to laying out his vision for the agency? Dear sweet fuck, I like Minesweeper as much as the next guy, but when you could take a time management class from Michael Brown, something is HORRIBLY WRONG.

That vision, by the way? The one he took a year coming up with? Put agents in more foreign countries, and stop relying so much on our allies' spies. GENIUS. Happy first year on the job, Porter!

Rita Response Showed Gains

NO FUCKING SHIT? That's astonishing! Three weeks after the government got a huge black* eye for fucking up a major natural disaster, they managed to semi-successfully handle a minor one? While simultaneously getting lots of pictures of Dubya staring blankly at "reports" in a "command center" in "Colorado"? What a shocker!

Here's a tip. The test of readiness does not come when everyone's watching intensely to see if you fuck up again, AND you've got even more time to prepare than you did for the last hurricane. The test comes when the political wounds have healed, the headlines go back to missing pretty white women, and then something horrible and massive happens somewhere. Will people have learned their lessons, or will they fall back into their old habits of bureaucracy, cronyism, and ineptitude?Don't ask me. Ask Porter Goss. In another twelve months or so.

*If you'll pardon the expression