Ryu. Sagat. M Bison. Skipper.

« September 2005 »

Memo to Allan "The Skipper": YOU ARE DUMB.

I don't normally do this. See, I have a sort of set of artificially-imposed rules about who gets to even be considered for this space. And two of the big general exceptions are people arguing on message boards and right-wing blogs.

Both are, traditionally, ephemeral wind-piss, barely moistening the cheeks of the grander stupidity we are faced with on a day to day basis. Yet they are also bottomless wells of easy targetry. Dumb like fruit flies - they go through so many life-cycles so fast that their idiocy is honed and ritualized until it's like a Japanese tea ceremony, only with poop in all the cups.

But some things are always funny, and Allan "The Skipper" of Barking Moonbat Early Warning System*, has hit on a doozy. Skipper is a Threatened Insecure Male, and he posted about it on his blog.

You see this a lot among conservatives. Especially middle-aged conservatives. Especially middle-aged, divorced conservatives. Especially middle-aged, divorced conservatives who look like John Goodman and Stephen Root had an ugly love child.

In the eyes of the Threatened Male, the capital-M Man is under attack from feminizing influences, and is unable to maintain his 1953-approved gender role and Al Bundy hygeine in the face of modern society. Oh, and this is a bad thing. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

We’ve got homosexuals in the military thanks to the liberals and if the ACLU had anything to do with it we’d have them in the Boy Scouts. The American male is being driven undercover, made to look foolish in nearly every advertisement you see and if that don’t beat all, we have recently been given a new word to add to our vocabulary, thanks again to the liberal Left. That word is 'metrosexual'."

Just so you know, I checked. I double-checked. I triple-checked. This blog entry was in fact dated Monday, September 26, 2005. I even scanned for irregular tachyon emissions, to no avail. Which means, as difficult as it is to believe, that YESTERDAY, Skipper referred to "metrosexual" as a new word we've been recently given. I can only imagine the uproar once he discovers the existence of pink iPods, that Queer Eye show, and Coldplay.

Threatened Males are always threatened by two forces. Women, and gay men. If you'll indulge me in a bit of pop psychoanalysis, I like to think that these general threats are in fact abstractions of their corresponding specific life counterparts: The Ex-Wife, and The Guy She Left Him For.

Skipper is apparently disturbed by a New York Times story about men getting manicures before their wedding. Never mind that he's already had his wedding, sometime during the Ford administration, if my math holds up. These metrosexuals are threatening his masculinity by spiffing up for their wedding. Well, he's having none of it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME AGAIN!

"I believe every man has to make up his mind what he will make of himself, in the context of being a man, not of being part man and part woman or any combination thereof. I know who I am and what I am and that’s all I need to know about myself. I take comfort in the fact that John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart would probably agree with me."

The pathos. The desperation. The reliance on dead actors (or more accurately, their most famous on-screen roles) to justify his insecurities. John Wayne may not have had a "feminine side", but I bet Marion Morrison did. And I bet Skipper has one too. He just represses it, because he can't find a way to beat it when he doesn't have dinner on his own table by six.

Skipper closes with one last parting shot at the tanning, waxing, manicuring "metrosexuals" he's just found out about: "I wouldn’t give a plugged nickel for any one of them in a street fight though ...."

I need to check on something. Just how important is it, really, to be ready for a street fight these days? I know I'm woefully unprepared for one, and it has nothing to do with whether I wax my pubes. But it doesn't bother me. I just take my chances that I won't be out and about the next time the Jets and the Sharks have a rumble.

If it IS that important, does Skipper really look like a man who could make his way across the gang-infested streets of New York with the rest of the Warriors? Skipper! Come out and play-yay!

I rest my case.

*"Moonbat", by the way, is the right hemiblogosphere's preferred epithet for those of us on the left. I presume it's supposed to capture our flighty insanity, although that'd make "barking" redundant as a modifier.