PWTTSJBTOTFI Theme Week: 411Black

« February 2004 »

Welcome to You Are Dumb's first THEME WEEK. All this week, I will be highlighting five different examples of People Who Think They're Special Just Because They're On The Fucking Internet. Enjoy.

Memo to 411Black: YOU ARE DUMB.

Before I start, we'll have to define some terms:

  • A site that, for years, provided pro wrestling news and commentary.
  • Pro Wrestling News: Lies written up by wrestling journalists then reworded and reprinted on 411wrestling.
  • Pro Wrestling Commentary: 100 words devoid of grammar about why the lies printed in the news section are either bad or good, plus an additional 400-900 words on music, movies, toys, comic books, current events, and the traumas and indignities of the commentator's personal life.
  • A recent expansion of, allowing even looser editorial standard and moving the talk about music, movies, toys, comic books, etc. to their own sections. To allow for this content expansion, editorial standards were loosened from "very very loose indeed" to "does this item contain letters of the alphabet.

411Black is a very recent addition to the 411mania site. The staff of 411, you see, could not constrain their vital opinions to six topic areas. The Internet is not Russia, dammit, and they will not be forced into the gulag of being merely a crappy writer with a Transformers obsession! Webspace is cheap, so an entire new section was created in which the shackles of topicality and relevence were shattered forever. That section is known as "Black". No, really. It is. Don't ask me. I only swing through there because it's easier than hitting three separate sites full of wrestling lies.

Thanks to 411Black, the world is no longer spared Seth Monroe, the self-proclaimed "Conservative Mastermind", who reminds us that "Folks, how many times have I told you that the end result of Liberalism is Anarchy." misspells Schwarzenegger by leaving off the "ch", says that there are no laws in the "Marxist States of America", and more along those lines. You've got the borderline-competent Joshua Grutman discussing his money woes, Steve Coogan's Groove Tube serving up a barely-comprehensible American Idol quote as if it were comedy gold and then talking about sports...

There's a sports column, where Mike Hulse informs us that "It reaches far beyond one program in one sport, and I feel, unfortunately, like the recent scandal at Colorado University that are swirling around their football team are more the rule than they are the exception in College sports these days. If you've been under a rock, here's what?s happened recently." Having left syntax bleeding from a horrible neck wound on the side of an abandoned dirt road, we move on to a guy named Daniels who angrily confesses to being wrong about a One Life To Live subplot, Chris Biscuiti discussing "What Makes A Literary Classic" by writing in all seriousness about how Alanis Morrisette's "Jagged Little Pill" album still moves him to tears (and may have saved his LIFE in HIGH SCHOOL) and, of course, Eric S.

Thanks to Eric S's wrestling commentaries, I now know more about the lives of antidepressant-popping job-hopping Midwestern meat inspectors than I ever cared to. It was like if Fast Food Nation were written in first-person by Forrest Gump on a three-day meth bender, only with the additional mention of who won and lost on WWE RAW the night before. Luckily, thanks to 411Black, all that pesky content can be tossed aside in favor of lengthy diatribes about his personal tax problems.

I mean, there are ADS on this site! Actual ads! Usually for shady online gambling sites and popup farms, but right now there's one for Post-It Super-Sticky notes. "Need to jot down all the useful content on 411Black and make sure it never falls off your fridge? Try one single 3"x3" Super Sticky Post-It, and remember, WRITE BIG."

This is what I mean by the theme week. The content on 411Black could only be produced by people with no perspective whatsoever on the value of having your opinion posted to the Internet. They argue with each other in their columns about what they write in their columns. They think it matters. And they think, that just because they get to do this on the Internet, that they are special.

They are wrong. And they are DUMB.