« February 2004 »

Welcome to You Are Dumb's first THEME WEEK. All this week, I will be highlighting five different examples of People Who Think They're Special Just Because They're On The Fucking Internet. Enjoy.

Memo to LiveJournal users: YOU ARE DUMB.

You see, a LiveJournal is like a rubber vagina...

Bear with me here. I don't own a rubber vagina, but I've seen them on HBO. And having seen them, I'd surmise that they'd probably be pretty good kitchen tools. You know, as grips for removing stuck bottle and jar lids or something. Maybe a potholder. But it's still a rubber vagina.

For those who don't know, LiveJournal is like a diary, only it's online. You can make little entries in your LiveJournal about your life, and other people can read them and comment on them. It's pretty fuckin' horrific.

There are people out there who are not sad little bastards, going about their business, using their LiveJournals for perfectly average, not-particularly-dumb things, but they're using a rubber vagina to open the jam lid. And eventually, they're gonna have a co-worker over for dinner, and the co-worker is gonna see the rubber vagina, and no matter how much you try to explain it away, Jim Moody in Accounting is gonna think you're a perv.

See, these days, the whole "blogging" phenomenon has a thin veneer of respectability. It's trendy. It's in Newsweek. There's even new words like "blogosphere", which may be the worst neologism the Internet has given us since "teledildonics". But LiveJournal predates blogging. It's been around for years. And call me old-fashioned, but I can't help but think of the people I've seen online over the years, and which ones had LiveJournals and which ones didn't.

And to a T, back in the day, all the LiveJournal users were broken, whiny, sad net-nerds who could neither get nor maintain any kind of healthy social interaction. The kind of people who appreciate the good grip of a rubber vagina in a less than entirely wholesome way.

Because, really, when you think about it, who WOULD be attracted to an online diary at first? An online diary is almost an oxymoron. Diaries have locks. Diaries are hidden. You don't take your diary and nail it to the front of your house in the hopes that postal workers and homeless people will come by, read who you have a crush on, and scrawl in the margins with crayon. But that is, in essence, the principle behind LiveJournal.

I don't get it. I have a big ego. I have a huuuuuge ego. Luke Skywalker mistook my ego for a small moon, until Obi-Wan corrected him. But even I, with my huge ego, don't think the details of my life are interesting enough for public consumption and commentary by a global audience. Nobody needs to know what you had for breakfast, what part of you is sore today, or how much you drank last night. You are not that interesting. I know, because I'm not that interesting, and I'm more interesting than you are.

And it is a global audience. You put shit on the Internet, and anybody with a computer can see it. ANYBODY. It amazes me how many times I've read/heard some variation on "If my mom ever sees my LiveJournal, I'm screwed." Well, maybe, if you don't want Mom, or creepy Uncle Jack, or your boss, to know what (or who) you're doing, maybe it would be a good idea to NOT PUT IT ON A WEB PAGE. Dipshits.

Maybe you're a vanguard. Maybe you're working within the system to make the system better. Maybe you're singlehandedly helping to change the perception of LiveJournal as digital wankery. But you're still standing next to a "sensitive", 36-year-old guy in a Frank Frazetta T-shirt shouting at the top of his lungs about how women "just don't like nice guys". Your choice.