The Ten Million Dollar Penis

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Memo to Jeffrey Bedford: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm not the world's biggest fan of reality TV. But I generally don't rail against genres, so I don't run around yelling about our civilization going down in flames because they won't stop making seasons of "Survivor".

I don't love reality TV, but I love love love love LOVE reality TV lawsuits. Because a reality show is, at its core, an agreement with a group of people who want to fuck you over in exchange for putting you on TV, and a group of people who desperately want to be fucked over in exchange for getting on TV.

Which means it has to take some seriously egregious fucking over to get someone into court. And that's where the fun comes in. Seeing what circumstances people like Jeffrey Bedford think are egregious. Which brings us to the ten million dollar penis.

Jeffrey Bedford lives in Oklahoma. There's your first clue right there. Jeffrey Bedford signed up for "Wife Swap". And the pieces start falling into place. Not pieces Jeffrey Bedford wanted anywhere near him, but pieces nonetheless. Thanks to the miracle of reality TV, Jeffrey Bedford swapped his wife for a gay guy.

None of us, of course, would think this is a big deal. I mean, these shows don't let you fuck the new spouse. That's not part of the deal. You just have to live with them for a while. On TV. No cooties are exchanged. I believe there's a strict no-cootie rider in the contract. But Jeffrey Bedford was having none of it.

According to the suit, Bedford was "distraught over the misrepresentation to the point of nonparticipation." Translated into the native Oklahoman, that means he said "I ain't doin' no show with no queer."

According to the suit, "Bedford conducted a Bible study for the Haileyville Baptist Church, wherein the gay swap participant invited a gay coalition into Bedford's home for the study.". Translated into the native You Are Dumban, this means SET YOUR TIVOS. Because gay activists + Oklahoma bible study is comedy gold.

According to the suit, "Defendants threatened if Bedford did not film the show that they would not tell him his wife's location and would not pay for her to be sent home." Translated into the native language of TV producers, that means "We came all the way to Oklahoma. We're not leaving without some footage of that bible study group."

Bedford also had to drop a college class because of scheduling conflicts - he was, as far as I can tell, too busy being forced to live with a gay guy to do his homework. The good news is, by even starting a college-level course, Bedford will do wonders for Oklahoma's 2005 education statistics.

ABC and the production company have a pretty solid defense - the contract says you might get stuck with a dude. If true, Bedford will not get the $10,225,000 he is claiming in recompense and punitive damages for the extra few ounces of meat his new spouse was swinging. That's five million dollars a ball. And he never even had to look at them.

But hey, at least he's gonna be on the TEEVEE!