Spastic Leftover Turkey Friday

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First of all, you fuckers better not be shopping today. You know better, right? You're hiding out at home, barricading your doors with furniture in case crazed people mistake you for a Wal-Mart, and whimpering.

There is no sale out there worth sailing the seas of insane idiots for. And if there is, all the insane idiots will get to it before you do, because they only stock three of them anyway. STAY HOME. Surf the Internet. Enjoy a lively discussion of all the shit I can't be bothered discussing.Like John Murtha and Jean Schmidt. I'm not saying it's not funny that some stupid Republican tried to score some points by calling a decorated war vet a "coward", only to get reamed for it six ways to Sunday.

I just wish there was a way for the admittedly appropriate amount of bile and scorn to be heaped on Schmidt without there actually being so much of it. I understand the importance of the echo chamber, of making sure certain things are said loud enough and often enough so that they penetrate into the national consciousness-such-as-it-is. But when it's something as trivial as Schmidt, you know that the Internet and the radio are going to be unbearable for a couple of days.

So I didn't touch it, even though Schmidt's a dipshit even by Congressional standards.

Nor did I feel the need to discuss the launch of the XBox 360, despite my love of video games and hatred of overhyped consumer projects and most of the programming on G4.

It's a box that plays games, folks. That's it. It is neither Microsoft's latest attempt to rape your baby nor the second coming of Digital Jesus. We've had home game systems for three decades now. If you don't know how this shit works by now, no amount of ranting by me can change that.

The media asks "is it worth $400?" even though the answer is the same as it alsays is: WRONG QUESTION, FUCKOIDS.

The question is not "Is the XBox 360 worth $400?" The question is, "Is Perfect Dark Zero worth $450?" Or "Are Kameo and Project Gotham 3 worth $260 apiece?" The box plays the games. If you want to play the games, buy the box. If you don't want to play the games, don't buy the fucking box. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE.

And anybody that tells you anything different is a dick with an ulterior motive, whether it be selling you an XBox 360, or justifying their disappointment at their silver concave doorstop.

And finally, one other major bit of news that managed without me over the past two weeks is the Sony copy-protection fiasco. You know, the one where, to keep you from pirating, say, Neil Diamond's new album, the CD hid a malicious piece of anti-ripping software on your computer that trashed Windows if you got rid of it.

The album, by the way, is freely available on the Internet anyway. Of course. They've pissed off their customers, opened themselves to class-action lawsuits, and made the public even more suspicious of digital rights management than ever, all for a net effect of diddly over squat.

So really, Sony did us all a favor. Well, not ALL of us. The people who put a music CD in their computer and then let it install any software at all didn't get any favors, but then, they broke the second rule of computers. Never install anything ever.

Along with "Everything on the Internet is a lie", these two rules form the basis of happy, trouble-free computer use. Never install software. Software causes problems. If you don't install the software, you don't get the problems. It seems so simple, yet as ideas go, people resist it like it was evolution.

You may argue that it's impossible to follow this rule and still use a computer. I would argue that, first, nobody has ever tried, so there's no way of knowing how it'll turn out. And second, if millions of people become unable to use computers, we're one step closer to Utopia anyway.