Keep Off The Ass

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Memo to everyone involved with Aeon Flux: BAD IDEA.

Yes, today's very special edition of BAD IDEA FRIDAY is devoted to Aeon Flux, the live-action motion picture that Paramount Pictures hopes you'll stumble into by accident in a drunken haze this weekend.

First, Aeon Flux, the cartoon: BAD IDEA.

I know none of us knew any better in 1991, when "cartoons" still meant crappy toy tie-ins, but in retrospect, Aeon Flux was just pointless wank. It had nothing to say about anything, except what little it had to say about Peter Chung's tongue fetish. The man liked drawing long tongues licking stuff. A lot. Throw in some tits and guns and whammo, you have Aeon Flux.

The lack of dialogue allowed your brain to fill in the content-void in a kind of narrative persistence of vision, so viewers took away from Aeon Flux whatever they brought to it, plus, in many cases, half of an mildly disturbing erection.

Aeon Flux, the live-action hair: BAD IDEA.

What the fuck is that on Charlize Theron's head? It's not the gravity defying, only-from-a-nerd's-pen hair of the cartoon. Nor is it something a person would choose to wear, even in a post-pandemic dystopia. It occupies the same vague middle ground as bad cosplay wigs, where you're suppose to give them points for trying because the drawn hair is physically impossible and darn it, they TRIED.

Aeon Flux, the complete lack of pre-release interviews and publicity: BAD IDEA.

Actually, it's probably a very good idea. Just like the lack of reviews. Paramount knows the only way it's gonna get your $9.50 is through a freak accident, so they're keeping almost all knowledge away from the viewer.

This means, however, there are no interviews with Charlize Theron in which she tries to justify the movie and the character, ideally in the same terms of feminine empowerment Halle Berry used for "Catwoman".

All there is is one lone quote about one scene where she and the stunt guy watched geckoes to see how they ran. So there you have it, folks. If you want to see Charlize Theron try to run like a gecko, Aeon Flux is the movie for you.

I think she may have also turned to geckoes for acting tips - evidence for which can be found in the commercial. Specifically the deadpan line read where she says "Amateurs." I'm not buying car insurance from her, that's for damn sure.

Aeon Flux, The Major Motion Picture: BAD IDEA.

But we knew this already, didn't we? Hollywood takes an inexplicably-cult, animated "classic" with a distinctive look and no story, and does it up live-action, full of tacky CGI and a hot actress, grafting some kind of half-assed story onto it, and getting the dream team who wrote "The Tuxedo" to do it. You remember "The Tuxedo". That was the movie about the magical kung-fu tuxedo. Uh huh.

About the only interesting thing we learn in the entire commercial is that when Charlize Theron whistles, balls explode. Which would be a great idea for a movie in and of itself, now that I think about it. Just 90 straight minutes of Charlize Theron walking through Hollywood streets, whistling, as men and the occasional transvestite double over to muffled booming noises.

Not a great idea, but it's a better idea than a BAD IDEA.