Your Wiretapping Holiday Guide, Part 2

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'Tis the season. And I'm STILL here to help.

As we discussed yesterday, holiday gatherings with friends and family may lead to a discussion of the Bush Wiretapping Imbroglio. Maybe some of these people watch Fox News. Maybe some of these people have something wrong in their heads, something broken where the thinking's supposed to take place. But some of these people may try to defend the wiretaps, and you, dear reader, should be ready.

Here is a handy guide to those criticisms, along with YAD-approved verbal responses, and suggested physical responses. While this blog post does not authorize you to engage in that physical response in violation of state and federal assault laws, you may be able to claim you were made unto a god by viewing the events of 9/11 on the teevee, and thus nobody can stop your righteous wrath. Use at your own risk.

THE DIRTY FREEDOM-HATERS ARGUMENT

This argument states that because the wiretaps were limited to people with known ties to Al-Qaeda, who cares? They were here doing their evil, so we spied on them.

Verbal Response - Oh, pardon me, JEHOVAH. I failed to recogize you, Your Omniscience. When did you shave off the beard? I didn't realize you were somehow privy to the super-secret details of the super-secret spying that even the super-secret spy court was kept in the dark over. But you know for sure that not a single innocent person was caught up in this dragnet. Well, I guess I have to take your word for it.

Note that this response may force you into a detailed explanation of the concept of sarcasm.

Physical Response - Since your conversational nemesis is apparently a deity, nothing you do can possibly hurt them. This, logically, gives you carte blanche to try anything you think looks funny. Try to get it on camera.

THE "I DON'T WANT TO EXPLODE" ARGUMENT.

Known colloquially as the Jayne Maneuver, this argument is best summed up by the unfortunately-named "Alyce From Dallas", whose ACTUAL QUOTE TIME comes courtesy CNN.

"If the President doesn't exhaust every available means to protect us from those who wish to harm us, then he isn't doing his job."

This argument is rooted in the deep-seated American fear that at any moment Jim-Bob Smith from Butthole, Missouri is being targeted by as many as five different Middle-Eastern terrorists. All of the terrorists are posing as either convenience store owners or cab drivers, and they are all waiting patiently for a chance to fly a jetliner into Jim-Bob's living room, because Jim-Bob flies his American flag every single day and listens to Toby Keith.

Verbal Response - Long, drawn-out sigh, followed by the shaking of the head and the pinching of the nose as if one has just noticed a bad headache. Optional followup: "God, you're such a fucking idiot, Jim-Bob."

Physical Response - Get some Jedi robes and a fake beard, and spend the next month popping out at the idiot from around corners, yelling "Booga booga booga!"

The corollary to this argument, by the way, takes the form of "We haven't been attacked again, so it must have worked!

In this instance, we recommend jumping straight to the physical response, which is to go out to an academic bookstore, buy the largest, heaviest book on logic you can find, and replace the defender's spleen with it.