In The Interests Of Efficiency

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Right. Obviously, this is necessary. Every time something bad* happens somewhere in the world, Pat Robertson is going to say something stupid. The pattern is now too well-established to believe that it will ever stop. And since only the fine details and particulars of each event allow you to tell them apart, I've decided it's time to create the Generic Pat Robertson Column.

Just print this out or bookmark it, and any time you see a headline with Pat Robertson's name in it, just refer to this column. Because the only way he even gets in the news these days is after he's said something so mind-bogglingly stupid that even the other people who were thinking it have to pretend publicly that they disagree.


Memo to Pat Robertson: YOU ARE DUMB.

Where do you get off attributing this tragic event as the demonstrated actions of a wrathful God? How, exactly, does your twisted little brain work? That you look at every tragedy, from the personal to the global, and try to find some way that the victims brought it on themselves by not subscribing to what I graciously call a theology?

I mean, even granting that a deity even remotely similar to your deity-concept exists, what kind of way is that for Him to behave? What all-powerful being in his right mind doles out his wrath in such poorly-targeted, ineffective way? A way that can only be interpreted by a plastic-haired, plastic-toothed nutball on basic cable?

If you really believe the shit you spew, fuck you. Your god is an asshole, hurling natural disasters in the general vicinity of people he doesn't agree with, or inflicting debilitating disease on people over matters of social policy or political ideology. Any sane person who thought that was how the world works would jump off a bridge, not try to convince the rest of us join him in crazyland.

And if you don't really believe it, there aren't enough people on the planet who can simultaneously scream "fuck you" in your face and have it count for something.

Because you're not really the problem, are you? It's the audience. The people who tune in to the 700 Club day in and day out because they think you have insight. They think you can help them lead better lives. They think that just by watching you, and listening to you, and believing you, they're better people.

They think they're saved, and they're exactly wrong. They're unsalvageable. Like you. If they ever find a way to combine TiVo with electroshock therapy, The 700 Club is the show they oughta test it on. If you willingly tune into this show, in 2006, knowing everything we know now about, well, EVERYTHING, you are dragging down our species. You are human ballast.

So just sit there every night, and keep watching, and keep telling yourself it's OK to revel in the suffering of others because ol' Pat told you it wasn't just an ineffable part of God's plan, but an orchestrated hit from on high, carried out on one, or a hundred, or ten thousand, or a million people that God told Pat Robertson not to like.

But you always lose out in the long run, and in the short run, you exist for the rest of us to point and laugh at. You fucking morons.


There. Save that, and next time there's a natural disaster, or a hardline right-wing fuck's head explodes and he's not hard-line ENOUGH for some people, you'll know what to do.

* Based on cultural norms, rather than my own individual value judgment