Free Consulting Day

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Memo to the Mall of America: ACCEPT MY RARE GRACIOUSNESS, FUCKTARDS.

You see, the Mall of America has a problem. One of the reasons it's famous is because it's so large, it has a fucking amusement park in the middle of it. Indoors. You can get Orange Julius anywhere, but there's only one place you can vomit Orange Julius onto passersby 30 feet below, and that's Mall of America's Camp Snoopy.

Or, any day now, The Park At MOA. You see, the company that used to run the park had the rights to the Peanuts characters, and the mall was unable to negotiate a new deal. I'm not surprised. When Woodstock gets out the briefcase, that yellow bastard means business.

So they only have two weeks to get rid of all the Peanuts references, and since "The Park At MOA" is a stupid name, they're going to want something new, fast. Which is why I'm here to help, with some suggestions that require minimal repainting.

The obvious solution is to find a beloved comics icon with a similar name, and Snuffy Smith fits the bill. First, he's gotta be cheap. You can probably get the rights to Snuffy Smith for a sandwich and bus fare. And what says FAMILY FUN more than inbreeding, moonshine, and firearms? This is Bush's America, after all.
Why settle for a metaphor for Bush's America, though, when you can just drop the "Y" and work a deal with the NSA. They need a public relations boost, after all. And at Camp Snoop, the cameras at the end of the flume ride will have four times the resolution, get your Social Security number from your wallet, and feed your biometric data into a secret centralized database that, we promise, will only be used for fighting terrorists. And you're not a terrorist, are you?
This one's tricky. It combines the above two ideas into a dark, edgy concept that is guaranteed to generate all kinds of publicity. And protesters. And once you get those protesters in the mall, well, they're gonna get hungry, they're gonna get thirsty, and they're gonna want Lego. It's a gamble, but what the hell. You put a Planet Hollywood in the place, and given a choice between a snuff film and Planet Hollywood's wings, I'll take the movie every time.

Of course, I offer these ideas up completely gratis - knowing that someone at the ubermall found them useful would be reward enough.