Shaking In Their Cowboy Boots

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Memo to homophobes: YOU ARE SCARED.

Not just scared. Terrified. Practically pissing yourselves like a teenage girl in a horror movie. You have queerfear.

If you classify someone as a homophobe, you will frequently hear the following defense. "Ahm no homophobe. Ahm not a-sceered of 'em. I jest cain't stand 'em." Ignoring the fact that words can and do have meanings that go beyond the literalist interpretation of their Latin roots, YES YOU FUCKING WELL ARE A-SCEERED.

Scared you might be gay. Scared someone might find out you are gay. Or just scared that you might somehow TURN gay. You are threatened by the existence of gay people, so much so that people can't even PRETEND to be gay around you without you feeling a little bit uncomfortable. And maybe turned on.

So just stop denying it. As long as you and your ilk throw around phrases like "homosexualizing America", your stark raving terror is blatantly obvious, and all your protestations to the contrary are just ephemeral window-dressing on a shivering soul.

"Homosexualizing America", by the way, is what the Golden Globe awards are apparently guilty of. It was a surprise to me. The only thing I thought the Golden Globes were guilty of was inducing apathy. Turns out it's just the opposite.

After "Brokeback Mountain" won three Golden Globes, Philip Seymour Hoffman won one for playing Truman Capote, and Felicity Huffman won one for playing a transsexual, the usual array of bigots came forth to denounce the Globes as out of touch with mainstream America. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"None of the three movies - Capote, Transamerica or Brokeback Mountain - is a box office hit. Brokeback Mountain has barely topped $25 million in ticket sales. If America isn't watching these films, why are they winning the awards?" - Janice Crouse, of Concerned Women For America.

Well, Janice, I don't know if you're familiar with the movie industry, but there's an award they give every year to movies that mainstream America loves. It's called the Giant Bag of Cash, and it goes to dozens of movies each year. Titanic earned one, The Passion Of The Christ earned one, Revenge Of The Sith earned one. You ask any executive at any movie studio which award he'd rather receive, the Golden Globe or the Giant Bag of Cash, and he'll take the cash every single time.

Of course, $25 million for a limited-release movie with a $14 million budget actually makes Brokeback Mountain eligible for the Giant Bag of Cash award, but let's not tell Janice. She might become even more concerned.

But here we see the fundamental contradictions from these alleged fear-free homophoves. If all these gay movies are being rejected by the American public at the box office, how can they possibly "homosexualize America"? They can't. Which means these people are getting worked up over a non-threat. Yet they act threatened.

"I guess 2006 will be known as ‘The Year of the Homosexual’ in Hollywood. With ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ ‘TransAmerica’ and ‘Capote’ winning several major ‘gender-bender’ Golden Globes - Hollywood is no doubt ‘out’ on a mission to homosexualize America. When Hollywood is pumping out anti-family movies with sexually explicit, twisted and perverse themes that glorify homosexuality, transsexuality and every other kind of sexual immorality – then awards itself for doing so – middle America better take note. Last night, Hollywood exposed its own corrupt agenda.” Bennett added. “With the Oscars just around the corner, don't be surprised this year if you see Hollywood’s elite walking down the ‘Pink Carpet.'" - Stephen Bennett, host of Straight Talk Radio.

Did you enjoy that quote? I bet you did. But I know how I can make you enjoy it more. Go back to the start of the paragraph and read it again, keeping this one fact firmly in your mind. Stephen Bennett is a self-proclaimed "former homosexual" with a wife and a kid.

Amd suddenly, that quote's a hell of a lot funnier. The self-hating subtext jumps into sharp relief. Stephen Bennett isn't afraid these movies will homosexualize America. He's afraid they'll re-homosexualize Stephen Bennett. You just know he got all worked up with that little tirade, and had to retire in private and rub one out while thinking about Topher Grace.

But, you know. They're not homoPHOBIC at all.