What Do You Call That Column?

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Memo to Aristocrats-haters: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today, we celebrate the DVD release of my favorite film of 2005, The Aristocrats. Two hours of structured, analytical, historical filth. Now, this movie is not for everyone, and I understand that. But some people should never have seen it in the first place, and some of them should never have posted their displeasure to Amazon and IMDB. Because they're dumb.

"How anyone can find this terrible, filthy, disgusting joke funny is beyond me...I like a good dirty joke as much as anyone, but the joke and movie are just NOT funny. - Nick Gonnella. Why is it the only people who use the "I like... as much as anyone" construction all obviously don't like whatever it is as much as anybody?

"...no rating is bad enough for it. Adults Only won't work because no intelligent, self respecting adult would find it funny. Trust me on this. About half the audience for this movie walked out of the movie theatre the day I saw it. I tolerated only 15 minutes. My friend got through 20. I think I can say without hyperbole that it is the worst, most disgusting crap ever. - "quistis".

Well, trust me on this - no intelligent, self-respecting adult would call themselves "quistis". And you can't say any movie is the worst, most disgusting crap ever without hyperbole, because calling a movie the worst, most disgusting crap ever IS HYPERBOLE. And that was after only fifteen minutes? Quistis spent more time than that typing the review, for fuck's sake.

And that's just the warmup, folks. Now, I've said many times in the past that the Internet lies to you, because it thinks that's funny. And one of the big places it lies to you is in this kind of user comments section. You can never guarantee that the reviews are genuine. And while this next one doesn't seem plausible, there are several clues which I think your average spoofer wouldn't think to place.

First, it's a certified real name. Second, that real name is Betty Burks, of Knoxville, Tennessee, who has written over a THOUSAND REVIEWS on Amazon. And third, the review, despite the text I'm about to quote, got two out of five stars. I don't know how the hell Betty Burks, of Knoxville, Tennessee, managed to see "The Aristocrats", but I'm convinced this is her actual opinion. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

This was nothing like Disney's 'Aristocats', as different from daylight and dark and filth vs. pure. I don't have a single good word to say about this junk, except that it was the worse by far, even 'Better Luck Tomorrow' which was bad, bad, bad. It was pure filth, and I can't believe that Gary Owens would take part in this kind of garbage. Dirty old man! It was a bunch of filthy-minded comics -- a documentary of sleaze.

Remember, two stars. Does Gary Owens have some kind of reputation as a fine, upstanding member of the community I was previously unaware of?

And yes, I can believe that Carrie Fishre did by the kind of books she writes and the genes she inherited from both parents. Debbie can get raunchy, and poor Eddie loved the women to excess. - Swearing is apparently genetic. Which means I really should donate my fucking corpse to science when I die.

"This started out bad and couldn't get any worse; everyone of them talking about unmentionable acts, including children and a dog. Apparently it was some kind of cult joke, but I honestly don't think it was a joke at all, just an excuse to get porn into regular theaters. I am disappointed in Regal for showing it, but they do put their odd things out at Parkwest. - Um, this isn't porn. Obscene, maybe, but only a very small, sick fraction of the population gets sexually aroused by Howie Mandel talking dirty. And Mrs. Mandel isn't even one of them."I was expecting a cute little movie about real people. Every sexual act possible of perversion was enunciated as if they were speaking proper English-- like Aristocrats. Some mumbled their lines but spouted that filth as if it were second nature; one silly fellow (looked like Ken Young who does has tourette's syndrome -- tried to make a joke out of that, too) kept adding on more and more filth out on the street for anyone to hear. - You see what I mean about it not sounding real? Everything was enunciated, except for the stuff that wasn't. And the woman who paid seven bucks to see the movie was worrying about the people on the street while it was being filmed? Fucking priceless.

"There were talks of orgies, vulgar, nasty, filthy improv on the grossness; they were all weird people with nasty stories to see who could be the most offensive. They described unspeakable acts of abusing each other, and the bathroom humor was used to extreme. I saw a pigeon in the background, wonder what they did to it, pretending to be a falcon no less. It was full of profanity as they made up the story as it went along." - What? A pigeon pretending to be a falcon? OK, it's been a while since I've seen it, but I'm beginning to think that Betty medicated her glaucoma before she hit the theater.

"quit waiting for a movie to start about fifteen minutes after the comments at the beginning started (one woman had already left) so I got up and demanded my money back. It was a disgusting film (can't call it a movie) about a disgusting faux joke." - All this, and it was another fifteen minute special?! And the movie starts out a bit slow, if you ask me. And only in Tennesse would "film" be considered more derogatory than "movie". I hope her neighbors don't find out she used the word "faux" in a sentence. That's French, and that'll get you lynched in Knoxville.

"In the theater, I was bombarded with things I'd never want to hear EVER. It was a "joke" played on the audience who would stay and listen to such pornography. It was much worse than white trash anyday. This was useless muck laid out in detail for all to hear; one even included his grandmother who died. Phyllis Diller was so old, even with the blonde wig. They were right -- people who think and talk that way belong in jail for a very long time. They also need their mouths washed out with soap as in the old days, Let them stew in their juices. Boycott porn. Don't go to see this. It is as near porn as I've gotten, not seen but heard. It has no redeeming value.

But she still gave it two stars. I don't even understand half these criticisms. "Worse than white trash"? Someone's got some latent red-state issues. And foul-mouthed comics should get lengthy jail sentences AND soap in their mouths? Let it not be said that Betty Burks is soft on crime.

And if you value your sanity, you will not begin to contemplate the various potential implications of her sentiment that "The Aristocrats" is as close to porn as she has gotten.

So remember, folks. If you're a crazy old Southern woman who loves Gary Owens and pigeons with delusions of grandeur, do not, under any circumstances, go to see The Aristocrats. To the rest of you, however, I recommend it heartily. Even if it does have Howie Mandel talking dirty in it.