Beyond Paranoia

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First, before we start... "Big Momma's House 2", $28 million, #1 at the box office. My ability to affect world events through the power of hateful words is thus firmly defined. Fuckers.

Memo to spy-lovers: YOU ARE COWARDS.

Today is yet another installment in You Are Dumb's "How To Argue Politics" series. I can't be everywhere, after all. You, the reader, will encounter your fair share of numbskulls and fuckwits in the wild - at work, in line at Subway, on the bus, whatever. Should you feel the need to argue with them, I occasionally like to provide important facts and useful tactics to arm yourself with.

Take, for example, domestic surveillance. Ever since it first came to our attention weeks ago that the government has been spying on American citizens without warrants for four years, the people responsible for the crime have engaged in an elaborate public relations campaign to convince us that what they did was both legal and necessary. And it's worked pretty well.

Hordes of suckers, for example, have fallen prey to believing that President Bush should be applauded for doing whatever he feels is necessary to protect them. If you encounter one of these people, there are two words you can use to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are complete fucking craven, yellow-bellied, sniveling cowards. Those two words?

Caitlin Childs.

Caitlin Childs, you see, is who President Bush is protecting you from. Caitlin Childs is a threat to America. Caitlin Childs was arrested by Homeland Security. Caitlin Childs is who these fuckers lie awake at night in fear of.

Caitlin Childs is a vegan living in Atlanta, Georgia.

A VEGAN. Homeland Security had a vegan under surveillance. Vegans are not threats. Vegans can, at best, manage to be only mildly imposing, and that's only to BROCCOLI. Who the fuck is scared of vegans? Who the fuck thinks it's necessary to engage in secret photographic surveillance of vegans? Homeland Security, that's who.

The vegans were picketing a Honey Baked Ham store. I shit you not. They were ANTI-HAM, which, apparently, is short for ANTI-HAMERICAN. Hell, I'd picket against ham. That shit is nasty. But not liking ham doesn't make me an enemy of the state. Doesn't mean I need to be followed and photographed by the federales.

But what about the arrest? You're gonna love this shit. Childs was arrested for writing down the license plate number of the car of the Super Sekrit Undercover Homeland Security agent who was taking her picture. I believe we have another heck of a job here, folks. Undercover Homeland Security going around with an apparently incriminating and fully visible license plate on the car.

I mean, apart from the appalling fact that Childs was arrested for writing down the license plate number of a man photographing her. Apart from that, which is pretty fucking ridiculous. Apart from that, which makes me slightly more sympathetic to the rabid leftists who use terms like "police state". Apart from that, the sheer incompetence of the man protecting us from the Vegan Menace has got to make you a bit uncomfortable.

Other threats to America, discovered by the Georgia ACLU: The Georgia Peace and Justice Coaliion, aka a bunch of hippies meeting in a Quaker hall; and the Atlanta Independent Media Center. Of course, we know who an independent media is a threat to.

Anyone who wants to give the government carte blanche to do whatever it wants is, quite simply, TERRIFIED OF VEGANS. And vegans, on the terror scale, fall somewhere between puppies and junk mail. Even if they're cooking you dinner.