Utah On My Mind

« June 2006 »

Memo to Kanab, Utah: YOU ARE NATURALLY DUMB.

I must have Utah on the brain. Offhand reference to Provo yesterday. The wannabe congressman who... ah, but that's a story for another day. And, of course, Kanab.

Kanab, Utah. 3,500 people. Pronounced "knob", as far as I'm concerned. Very Utah. A town so red in a state so red remote controls don't work there for all the interference. The perfect place, you would think, for the "Natural Family" concept to take hold. You remember the Natural Family concept, as presented by my arch-nemeses the Howard Foundation, right?.

The short version: One man, one woman, lots of kids, and set anything that varies from this on fire and piss on the ashes. Long version here and here.

So anyway, the Kanabheads were sitting around, with nothing better to do, when the City Council decided to pass a resolution. And while there is no direct connection between the Howard Foundation and the Kanab City Council, the language in "The Natural Family: A Vision for the City of Kanab" has a very familiar ring to it. ACTUAL RESOLUTION TIME!

"We envision a local culture that upholds the marriage of a woman to a man, and a man to a woman, as ordained of God. This culture affirms marriage as the best path to health, security, fulfillment, and joy. It casts the home built on marriage as the source of true political sovereignty and ordered liberty. It also holds the household framed by marriage to be the primary economic unit, a place marked by rich activity, material abundance, and broad self-reliance. This culture treasures private property in family hands as the rampart of independence and liberty. It celebrates the marital sexual union as the unique source of new human life. We see our homes as open to a full quiver of children, the source of family continuity and social growth. We envision young women growing into wives, homemakers, and mothers; and we see young men growing into husbands, home-builders, and fathers."

The resolution is old ground, but there are two areas I need to touch on. First, only in Utah could marriage be defined using the Freudian slip of "a woman to a man and a man to a woman". How very Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice of them. And second, A FULL QUIVER OF CHILDREN? Was the town founded by Bizarro William Tell, who grew to fame by shooting an arrow off the top of his apple's head?

But as funny as it is, the resolution is actually beside the point. Because you would think there would be no more fertile ground for social and sexual regression, for turning back the clock to the '50's (19- or 18-), than Kanab Fucking Utah. This is a town that went 80-20 for Bush in 2004. EIGHYY-TWENTY. And that's after seeing what the man was capable of. They don't drink the Kool-Aid in Kanab. It flows through their veins. The RNC probably drains them every couple of months so that they can keep Arkansas supplies healthy.

And even these fucks have been arguing over it for the entire four months since the resolution was adopted in February.

Angry letters! Vituperation! Yelling! Both the hoot and the nanny in full effect! Mayor criticized by teen! Teen lashed out at by mayor! They threw a reconciliation party and nobody came! Even the locals who support the proposal are grumpy about all the negative attention it's brought to their town. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The majority of Kanab residents, whether they are for or against this, just want the issue to go away." - Head Kanab, Mayor Kim Lawson, who's got a girl's name, by the way.

Yet they don't seem to realize why it's not going away - the "Natural Family" is unnatural. It's societally unnatural. It's culturally unnatural. Even Kanabs from Utah are being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the present, whether they like it or not. If you can't turn back the clock in Kanab, you can't turn it back anywhere. All you can do is make life unpleasant for everyone else until you die off and someone with more sense takes over.