Jingleheimer Shit

« June 2006 »

Memo to John Jacob: GET SATAN BEHIND THEE.

Of course, I suppose you have by now. Right now, you know whether or not Satan succeeded. But since I'm writing this before the polls close in Utah, I'm not sure whether the Dark Lord has triumphed in his evil plot to keep you from winning the Republican primary in Utah's Third District.

Unlike many in the so-called "mainstream media", I will not openly mock you for your statement that your troubled campaign was beset by demonic forces. In fact, so the record is perfectly clear, and not twisted by godless liberal pundits, let me engrave into the permanent record your lucid words. John Jacob, I give you ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C. It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is. I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him. Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

Now, see, that's the part I don't understand. Why wouldn't you want the paper to print that? Why do you think you'd be considered one of the "screw-loose" people just for thinking Satan has his cloven hoof dipped into the Third District Congressional race? I have it on good authority that Utah is practically a ninth-ring suburb of Hell. It's only natural Lucifer might take an interest.

This is Dubya's America! If God can tell the President to invade Iraq, certainly Satan can whisper in ears about your love of sweet, sweet gambling. Certainly Beelzebub could make you overestimate by an order of magnitude the percentage of illegal immigrants in Utah prisons. The devil is a powerful force in the world. He could even make you admit in front of a reporter that you think Satan's out to get you.

Sure, coming out so strongly against the ultimate force of evil in the universe was a risky political move, but it just makes you seem like some kind of befuddled nutjob when, the next day, you try to ineptly cover for it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What I was trying to say, and obviously didn't do it very well, is that over the last eight months I've had more adversity in my life than I've had in the last 10 years. There are some things you keep to yourself. I shouldn't talk about it, including now."

But that's where you're wrong, John Jacob! I encourage all politicians of any party who feel strongly that Satanic influence is behind their difficult primary or election campaign to speak out. The devil gains power from your silence, you know. Televangelists don't expel Satan from their audience by tiptoeing and whispering. No, they shout and cavort and hit people in the head! And that's what you should do.

To behave otherwise would, frankly, cast into doubt your commitment to fighting the forces of evil.

It's just a shame that Joe Lieberman's religion doesn't have a devil. He'll have to go on blaming left-wing jihadists for his troubles.