Extinction Agenda

« September 2006 »

It's Labor Day. That means two things.

The first thing it means is that, odds are, you're not reading the column. Why? Because it's Labor Day, and I know for a fact that if it were not for the daily grind of white-collar nerd America, this column wouldn't be nearly as "popular" as it is. You don't need to be distracted from work if you're not at work, so my efforts here are slightly more futile than usual.

But that gives me a certain freedom, too. It allows me to use this otherwise wasted day to kick off a new series I've had my mind on for some time: Extinction Agenda. And Labor Day is, as you'll soon see, an especially appropriate day to kick this off.

The idea behind Extinction Agenda is simple: Genocide's not all bad.

Hear me out. Both of you. The problem with genocide is that it's indiscriminate, and based on things people have little to no control over: race, religion, locale, what have you. The means we have chosen to wipe populations off the face of the earth have been cruel and unfair. But this opens the door for a modern, updated, sensitive form of genocide:

PHENOCIDE. The systematic destruction of people based upon their type. More specifically, their occupation. The goal of phenocide is to remove from the planet a group of people who, by their very vocation, are ruining things for the rest of us. We don't even have to kill them. We can just get them to change careers until there are none of them left.

And yes, I'm familiar with Golgafrincham, and admit to its subconscious progenitor status. But I'm not talking about useless jobs. I don't have a problem with people being employed for a societal zero-sum game. Keeps them off the streets. I'm talking about professions that actively hurt our society.

The means by which the phenocide is carried out I leave to the detail men. Pass laws, form a grassroots advertising campaign, engage in light pogrom, whatever you see fit. I'm working strictly on a big idea basis here. All I'm interested in is ensuring that, eventually, I never have to deal with one of these fuckers again.

So starting tomorrow, and continuing whenever I see fit*, I'll be proposing jobs for extinction. And no, it won't be lawyers. That shit was trite in Elizabethan England. Plus I never know when I might need one.

*Also known as "desperate for non-topical filler material" days.