Hang The DJ

« September 2006 »

Memo to Wedding DJs: YOU'RE GONE.

For those of you who didn't tune in yesterday, today brings the first candidate for phenocide, aka the complete eradication of an entire occupation. And at the risk of shooting my conceptual wad right at the start, no occupation is more worthy than the Wedding DJ.

There was a time, twenty to thirty years ago, when wedding DJs were a necessary evil. Because the job required two things: portable amplification and a huge, multifaceted music collection. These were two things the common citizenry of the 70s and 80s didn't have access to, so a specialized class sprung up to fill the ecological niche.

You see where I'm getting at here. We live in the future, when all the functions of a wedding DJ can be performed by $500 worth of electronics and a pair of opposable thumbs. And I think one of the thumbs is optional. For what you'd spend on a DJ for one night, you could buy an iPod and a nice set of speakers. And after the reception, you've still GOT AN IPOD AND A NICE SET OF SPEAKERS.

The Wedding DJ does serve two other functions, but neither of them are what I consider necessary to a utopian society. The first is picking out the most excruciating, trite, bullshit standards and making sure they're inflicted upon everybody at least once during their blessed event. Sane human beings don't want to hear Kool And The Gang's "Celebration". You can't even play it ironically. It doesn't work. And even if you're not a sane human being, throw that fucking pile of disco crap on your iPod and pray there's not a riot when it comes up on shuffle play.

See also: MOTHERFUCKING SHOUT. It's possible that there was a time when "Shout" was a perfectly reasonable soul song. I don't know. I'm not old enough. By the time I had any occasion to hear the song, I was only hearing the song at occasions. It had become a Pavlovian seizure trigger for white America. And whether the Isley Brothers intended it that way or not, I never, EVER want to hear it again. And the only way I can ensure that is by eradicating wedding DJs. Because I'm certainly never going to a prom again.

The other "service" they arguably provide is as a master of ceremonies for half a dozen different retarded ritualized reception activities. Like the Chicken Dance. These are designed along the same lines as interrogation techniques, where you break a person down by inches until he has no choice but to cooperate. Same with reception bullshit. You've got a room full of people who may not know each other, and the brute force way to get them together is to reduce them to the same humiliating lowest common denominator. Dancing like a fucking chicken.

But here's the thing about ritualized bullshit. It's RITUALIZED. We all know it. You don't need to pay some zeeb a thousand dollars to announce them. So if, for whatever insane reason, you think you need to do this shit at your reception, DO IT YOURSELF. And if you're just paying the guy as a scapegoat for after the fact, so you can lie to your friends about how you asked him not to do that, but he did it anyway, then FUCK YOU. Man up and admit to your shameful longing for mainstream bullshit. Wedding DJs deserve your scorn and derision, not your misplaced blame.

Unnecessary, obnoxious bastards, the lot of them. Burn their suits, dump the microphones, give the PA systems to charity. Time for a career change, fuckos. The chicken will dance no more.