Bitch Globally, Act Locally

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Memo to Mike Hatch: FEAR MY TINY, IMPOTENT WRATH.

This one's mainly for the locals. Because I've decided, after two and three-quarter years of saying, to actually do something. You see, Tuesday is Minnesota's Democratic primary.

This is an event I would normally not have been able to give even one perfunctory shit about. I'm comfortable enough with all the people running for running for various offices. There isn't a one of them I wouldn't vote for, push comes to shove, when November rolls around. So I figured I could sit this one out.

But then Mike Hatch pissed me off. So I'm hereby calling on all Minnesota Democratic readers of You Are Dumb Dot Net to head to the polls on Tuesday to vote for Hatch's opponent, Becky Lourey. I'm not endorsing Becky, mind you. I'd hate for some newsperson to get a hold of the fact that some foul-mouthed, ranty, sarcastic Hitler-loving web-columnist was supporting her. So I'm not supporting her. I'm undermining Hatch.

Now, the mere fact that he pissed me off should be enough. But some of you value making informed choices in the voting booth, and I should pad this fucker out to a decent length, so in deference to our mutually inclusive needs, I'll lay out my case.

Last week, Mike Hatch, Democratic attorney general of Minnesota, decided to appeal a judge's ruling in the case of the Minnesota Restricted Video Game Act. I know I covered this shit before, but I'm damned if I can find it. Anyway, this is the stupid, stupid law that would fine children under 17 twenty-five dollars for the act of purchasing an M-rated video game.

The law got passed. The law got ruled unconstitutional. And Hatch could have let it lie. But he's appealing the decision to the U.S. Circuit Court, and that's what's pissing me off. WHY?

It's a STUPID law. It's stupid not just because it's another attempt to regulate Grand Theft Auto. It's stupid because it's completely unenforceable. How do you catch a child buying an M-rated game? You can't. If you can't catch them, you can't fine them, and if you can't fine them, then WHAT FUCKING USE is a law that mandates a fine? Will Minnesota's Finest be staking out Electronics Boutique? Will Johnny be snitched on by the redshirt with the magic cabinet keys at Target? No? Then let the brain-forsaken thing die and spare us all the effort and expense.

There are two possible reasons Hatch decided to fight the law. First, despite being the attorney general of the state of Minnesota for many years, he actually thinks keeping unenforceable laws on the books is a good idea. Maybe as a deterrent. Of course, any kid stupid enough to think s/he's going to get a ticket for buying the new Mortal Kombat game will either save up an extra week's allowance to pay the fine, or is too dumb to actually work a game console.

Or, and this is MUCH more likely, it's a cynical political ploy to appeal to the "moderate" idiots in the state who think it's high time someone did something about that game they saw on the local news. They don't remember what the game was, or what game system it was for, or what the potentially warped child's name is, but they know they want someone to DO SOMETHING. And Mike Hatch wants them to do something, too. Vote for him.

And either of these reasons makes him ineligible for my vote on Tuesday. Not in November, mind. I'm not fucking crazy. Mike Hatch would have to ascend to astonishing heights of douchebaggery in record time for Tim Pawlenty to be a better choice. But the primary's a different story. Primaries are where you can safely punish politicians for being dickweeds. Probably won't make a damn bit of difference, but the last time I cast a protest vote in this state, the place got run by a pro wrestler for a while. So who the hell knows?