The Path To Shutting The Fuck Up

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Memo to Anniversary Whores: YOU ARE DUMB.

According to the magic tubes of the Internet, the traditional gift for the fifth anniversary is wood. The modern gift for the fifth anniversary is silverware. So I'd like to take this opportunity to gather up the vast collective hairshirt flaggelation known as the 9/11 Anniversary and FORK IT TO DEATH. WITH MY WOOD.

I might have been fine with a small, tasteful rememberance of the event at the five-year mark if I hadn't gotten to hear about 9/11 at least once every single fucking one of the 1,825 days since it happened. Then, I could see maybe doing a little something.

We're told we're not supposed to forget 9/11, as if such a thing were even remotely possible. There's this hermit, see? And he spent his entire life in a cave, see? In the wilderness, see? And he DIED IN 1998. And his skeleton is sick of hearing about it. Way to go for the scab-picking record, America. Maybe we can get into Guinness.

Yes, we lost a big building and three thousand people. And that sucks. And it's not something that happens very often. Especially the building part. We don't lose three thousand people very often, but that's the Western world for you. You don't see Darfur celebrating the anniversary of 3,000 people dying. They don't film docudramas called "Remember Last Tuesday?" I know. I checked TV Guide.

So fuck the anniversary. It's not like we've learned anything. Five years after four planes crash into four different things, most of it filmed live as it happened, and we're still arguing over what happened. I'm glad a huge stink got raised over the ABC film, but only because the left has finally learned to yell when it gets kicked in the balls. It doesn't actually matter. You know why?

Because Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice went on the Sunday talk shows yesterday to respond to a Senate report. You may have heard of this Senate report before. They did the least damaging part of it before 2004. They weren't gonna do the damaging part of it at all, but remember when the Senate got shut down for a bit last year in protest? Well, they just finished the medium-damaging part. They're still dicking around with the really bad stuff until after the 2006 elections, because they're fuckers.

Anyway, one of the things in the medium-damaging report was that all that shit about Zarqawi and his leg wound and how it proved Saddam blew up the Twin Towers? Yeah, that was all bullshit. And here's how Cheney and Rice responded to that report. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"You’ve got Iraq and Al Qaeda, testimony from the Director of C.I.A. that there was indeed a relationship — Zarqawi in baghdad. et cetera." (Cheney) "There were ties between Iraq and Al Qaeda." (Rice)

This was yesterday. On national television. On tape. So, really, it doesn't matter if the ABC movie shows that it was Bill Clinton, fucking a goat, falling out of a plane Dr. Strangelove style that caused the towers to collapse. It can't be any worse than what thirty to sixty percent of you are shown to believe every time they do one of those polls that raises my blood pressure.

And on top of all that, I'd STILL be inclined to be kinder toward the fifth anniversary if I thought it was the last I was gonna fuckin' hear about it until 2011 rolls around. We've hit five, so that means we should be required to put our national necrophilia on hold until another round number rolls around, but we all know that ain't gonna happen.

If you REALLY want to make today special, here's an idea. Make it the only day we DON'T hear about "the tragic events of September the 11th". And while you're at it, get me a pony.