Nuke The Podium From Orbit

« September 2006 »

It's time for another foray into the wild, woolly world of phenocide, as our ongoing series, Extinction Agenda plucks another vocation from our society and decides it's ripe for culling.

And today, I'm calling for the extermination of the press secretary. Because in addition to being annoying, useless bastards, press secretaries by their very nature interfere with the natural order of democracy and make things worse.

Note that this is a purely non-partisan phenocide. As far as I'm concerned, no politician, from President on down to dogcatcher, should get to pay someone to speak for them. No matter how obviously they seem to need it. Keep that in mind, because when it comes to examples, I'll be plucking from the obvious suspects we all know and hate.

But the very concept of the press secretary or spokesman is abhorrent. Perhaps it stemmed from noble roots - our leaders simply being too busy governing to answer every little question every little reporter might want to throw at them. But let's look at reality circa 2006, shall we?

First, these fuckers are barely governing. Half the time they're out of session or on vacation, and the other half of the time they're naming post offices, drafting bullshit gotcha laws, fund-raising, or taking ethically questionable junkets. They've got the time, is my point.

And secondly, actually answering questions is no longer a requirement. Look at the progression of monkeyfuckers we've been saddled with all for the sake of keeping Dubya's yap away from microphones whenever possible. Ari Fleischer, Scott McLellan, and Tony Snow. They don't answer questions. They don't have to. The consequences of not answering are nothing compared to the consequences of actual information getting out.

If politicians are going to be lying, dissembling, dodging, evading, and going off on pre-scripted tours of their talking points anyway, we at least should demand that they do it themselves, and not through some flunky. Let the flunkies write the words, prepare the evasions, hell, feed them through a hump in the back and a speaker in the ear if they have to. That's fine. But without press secretaries, all the bullshit will at least come from the bull's ass, and not some eliminatory middleman.

Not that I'm particularly expecting the electorate to notice. The amount of empty, meaningless rhetoric politicians get away with saying now is pretty damn impressive, and nobody seems to care. But who knows? Maybe if the guy in front of the microphone saying "I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that" is the guy who's supposed to fucking know, maybe non-answers won't be so palatable to the press or the public. And even if that doesn't happen, we get to watch the bastards squirm and sweat, so there's entertainment value at minimum.

Press secretaries! You're on the list! Find more productive and socially acceptable means of employment before it's too late. Bank robber, perhaps. Pig lagoon air-quality monitor. Gender-neutral crack whore. You know, something with more honor and dignity than a yammering roadblock to democracy. Just don't become a wedding DJ.