Smiles, Everyone! Smiles!

« September 2006 »

While we here at You Are Dumb Dot Net feel it's important to keep our readers up-to-date on the latest updates from the world of the ass-scratching neanderthalentsia, we do, on occasion, like to provide special services to the audience to thank them for their minutes of loyal support. Which is why we've assembled, at no charge to you, the unofficial, unlicensed Bill O'Reilly Rich Fantasy Life Kit.

It's obvious to everyone, including and especially O'Reilly, that the left hates him because we're jealous. Bill's rich fantasy life has given him fame, money, and a startling collection of vibrating sexual aids. Whereas the left's stubborn, needy clinging to reality has earned us nothing but scorn and losing margins of between two and ten percent.

We wish we could be more like Bill. We -want- to be more like Bill. We NEED it. And it's surprisingly easy.

STEP ONE: I know it seems obvious, but the first thing you'll need is an ethnic food and a bath product whose names you can get mixed up in your head. It's easy. Just pick ones you're likely to encounter on a regular basis, so you can practice saying "hummus" when you mean "avocado facial scrub", or order "hand towels" when you go out for dim sum. Congratulations. You've taken your first step into a smaller universe.

STEP TWO: No Bill O'Reilly Rich Fantasy Life would be complete without a terrorist organization you can claim is directly threatening your life because your brutal insight is so dangerous to their evil cause. Bill, being Bill, has taken Al Qaeda, so that makes it a bit tougher on the rest of us. Oh, and I've got dibs on the Basque Separatists. The FBI told me they found plans for the Basque Separatists to strangle me in my own shower, with my own paella. Because once the flow of dick jokes and creative Malkin insults stops, their goals will be that much closer to fruition. But the rest are up for grabs.

STEP THREE: Any Bill O'Reilly Rich Fantasy Life demands a vast cadre of domestic enemies. Foreigners are good generic bogeymen, but they're no substitute for a bunch of otherwise-unrelated individuals you can lump together in a vast conspiracy to destroy you, and through you, AMERICA. Bill, in his new book "Culture Warrior", lumps Al Franken, George Soros, Barbara Streisand, the Chicago Tribune, and the ACLU into the Blameamericafirstzord he calls the Secular Progressives.

It's a good call - as both a secular and a progressive, I know the last five years have seen my belief systems rise to levels of dominance previously enjoyed only by Julius Caesar. But that's beside the point. For your Rich Fantasy Life, just take everyone who's ever pissed you off and say they're working together. I call my group the International Brotherhood of FUCKING IDIOT FUCKMORONS. It doesn't acronym well, but it's fun to say. And there are hundreds of them! Just check the archives for proof.

STEP FOUR: To complete the picture, you need a completely ludicrous, self-imposed nickname. Now, I'm not expecting any of you to surpass, or even match, O'Reilly's "T-Warrior", revealed recently on 20/20 and short for "Traditional Warrior", but feel free to use that as a template. But be bold. Call yourself H-Crusher, even if you can't crush a Humvee with your bare hands. Remember, reality is for suckers. And rest assured, the number of Hummers you crush will never lag behind the number of traditions Bill O'Reilly successfully fights for.

So please, enjoy your Bill O'Reilly Rich Fantasy Life, compliments of You Are Dumb.