Penetics Lesson

« September 2006 »

Memo to college Republicans: YOU ARE DUMB.

Seriouisly, they're fucking awful. They're the end product of a horrible Mendelian equation.

You see, Republicans share the dominant trait of "fucking prick". College-age males also have the dominant trait of "fucking prick". When you cross-breed the two, creating college Republicans, the dominant strains reinforce each other, creating pricks of epic fucking proportions.

You've got the smug privilege of reactionary thought, the rash, drunken action of frat boys, and the fervor and zeal that inevitably comes with hearing ideas for the first time and deciding that yes, you believe them. And only them. With the white-hot intensity of a thousand Pabst Blue Ribbons.

The inevitable result is stupid, embarrassing stunts designed to garner maximum attention while provoking minimum thought. Higher learning my ass. Case in point: Kyle Bristow, Young Americans for Freedom, Michigan State University, and "Catch An Illegal Immigrant Day".

It's even more cowardly than it sounds. It's not, as you might think, a bunch of guys with Greek letters on their sweatshirts heading for the border to out-drink the Minutemen and shoot them some... lakebacks, I guess. It's Michigan, after all.

No, instead they're going to have someone "dress up" as an illegal immigrant and chase them around all day. Classy AND meaningful! Watch event organizer Bristo say a bunch of stuff he thinks he heard from Lou Dobbs, David Horowitz and Pat Buchanan one ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're committing cultural suicide if we don't address it. We need to establish a national language because it defends our culture... We want a wall built where people are crossing in droves," Bristow said. "We need to send troops to all the borders, wherever the illegals are coming... This is not about race or ethnicity. Despite the president's thoughts, this is about students that want the law enforced. I believe that a college campus should be a place of debate and discussion, not one where the leftist administration should intimidate students on the issues of today."

Yes, that damn leftist president trying to shut down a "debate" and "discussion" which consists entirely of trying to grab a guy in an "Illegal Immigrant" T-shirt so you can win a hundred bucks. Oh, and the president isn't actually trying to STOP the day, she just, and I'm paraphrasing here, thinks it's a retarded, racist stunt. Which it is. You don't get to be president of a university - even a state university - without being able to see right through the oh-so-clever antics of Bristow and their ilk.

I don't know why college Republicans are in such a hurry anyway. There's plenty of time for that in middle age, when you're balding, bitter, insecure about your masculinity, and wish you could go back to a simpler time when everything made sense... oh, right. Never mind. Carry on, college Republicans? I anxiously await your attempt to illustrate the "enemy combatants" debate by waterboarding freshmen.