West Of The East

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Memo to young Republican male interns everywhere: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

You had to know this was coming, gentle readers. Given the amount of time I spent on the glorious comedy of James "Go" West, Spokane mayor, closeted gay, and young-male-intern-hitter-onner, Mark Foley is exactly the kind of low-hanging fruit I love to see on a weekend. You could say, in fact, that Foley quite capably filled the news hole.

It's all there. The classic elements - repressed closeted gay Republican searching for young office manmeat. It's practially an epidemic by now. I admit, it can't be easy for them to date, what with their political futures depending on nobody ever finding out they've chosen the sick perverted homosexual sin lifestyle. They should form a support group. Their motto could be "Hate Globally, Date Locally".

And then there's the irony! The big steaming buckets of hot man-on-boy irony! Co-chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus! Called Clinton a sex addict! Posed with John Walsh on America's Most Wanted! It practically writes itself.

Not to mention the exquisite hilarity of official denial - Foley was just "overly friendly" and the e-mails were part of a left-wing "smear campaign". This was during the few scant hours between the "what do you want for your birthday" creepy e-mails appearing and the resignation- (and vomit-) inducing "Love to slip them off of you." instant message revelation. Usually this kind of thing plays out over weeks (c.f. Jim West).

And, of course, the sloppy cover-up. Hastert and the other GOP heads have been contradicting each other all weekend about what they knew and when they knew it. It's like a Three Stooges routine with alibis as the props.

But I don't want to talk about any of that. Odds are you've seen it already. What I want to talk about is the reaction of the interns. I mean, let's say you're an intern. And let's say you're a Republican intern. And let's say you're... a Log Cabin Republican intern. And you get an e-mail message from THIS GUY:

And that old, gray, creepy staring skull, which you know has to look even worse than the publicity photo in person, sends you an instant message that asks: "Do I make you a little horny?", the correct response is to shut down AIM, uninstall AIM, set fire to your computer, bury the ashes under a dead oak tree, and join the Amish.

The correct response is NOT, I repeat NOT, "a little". And don't give me that "power is an aphrodisiac" excuse. Mark Foley is a congressman from Florida. There are half a dozen used-car salesman within ten miles of Foley with just as much power. Hell, the odds are good one of them will replace him on the ballot. And congressional page is a shitty job even when you're not being hit on by a gray cube with ears stuck to it. Of all the times to channel Nancy Reagan*, this is it.

*I mean in the "just say no" sense, not the "have sex with an old ugly Republican" sense, obviously.