Obstructionist Muslim Penguins

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Over the larynx, past the gums, look out brain-stem, here it comes. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"I am deeply disappointed that a handful of United States senators prevented ambassador Bolton from receiving the up or down vote he deserved in the Senate." - Dubya, following the resignation of Mirror Universe Captain Kangaroo from his post as ambassador to the United Nations.

Hope you enjoyed that, assface, because if there's any justice, that's what the next two years are going to be like. And please, keep making the "obstructionist Senators" and "up or down vote" arguments. It's December 2006. You've got about four weeks left before you're going to have to be the obstructionists keeping up or down votes from happening in the Senate.

And while I don't dare believe that you reminding everyone of the importance of up-or-down votes now will actually cause any backlash come February when the Democrats can't get their 60 votes, that played-out, 2005-era posturing won't do jack shit now. Fucking crybaby. The only reason Bolton's there pissing everyone off in the first place is because of your end-runs around the Senate. It's not our fault you couldn't convince the Mighty Stache to work for free so you could give him another recess appointment. SUCK IT UP.

"This may be the darkest, most disturbing feature length animated film ever offered by a major studio... The propagandistic theme suggests that the biggest menace for the lovable penguins is the human race... There’s also a bizarre anti-religious bias operating unmistakably and gratuitously in the film... As in so many other recent films, there’s a subtext that appears to plead for endorsement of gay identity." - Michael Medved, reviewing, I shit you not, "Happy Feet".

On the off chance any conservatives are reading this column, please, someone, tell me. Why the fuck are wingnuts so obsessed with PENGUINS? First it was the gay penguins in the zoo. Then it was declaring "March Of The Penguins" to be a masterpiece, doing for the sanctity of marriage what "Birth of a Nation" did for racism. Then it was the book about the gay penguins. And now Happy Feet. I'll admit, it's a movie which commits several crimes, but they* didn't even ping Medved's radar.

I can't remember any other species garnering this much right-wing attention. And left to my own devices, I'm forced to invent my own reasoning behind the penguin-obsession - namely, that Michael Medved, Neil Cavuto, Glenn Beck, and the rest of them all harbor unfulfilled sexual fantasies about nuns.

Oh, and Medved? Dubbing it, in a completely unironic attempt at humor, "Crappy Feet"? In a just world, you'd be hung from a flagpole by your neck-skin for crimes against Sweet Mother Comedy. Just so you know.

"For the record, because I deem this a significant statement about most of the Left, I found virtually no left-wing blog that was not filled with obscenity-laced descriptions of me. Aside from the immaturity and loathing of higher civilization that such public use of curse words reveal, the fury and hate render the leftist charge that it is the Right that is hate-filled one of the most obvious expressions of psychological projection I have seen in my lifetime. - Dennis Prager, pretending to respond to critics of his initial collection of mental dingleberries regarding Keith Ellison and the Quran.

FUCK YOU, YOU MICROPENISED PUSSY MAN-CHILD.

I have to say, choosing one quote out of Prager's "I didn't say the ridiculous things I'm accused of, what I -meant- was this other completely ridiculous thing" non-rebuttal was a tough decision. I came THIS close to his claim that he wasn't comparing the Quran to Mein Kampf when he went straight for the Nazi analogy, but that was such an obvious, predictable dodge that I'm almost as embarrassed by mentioning it as Prager should be for making it in the first place.

Instead, I went with the always-hilarious "Those meanie bloggers swore at me! They hate!" Man up, Prager. Find your sack. It's that wrinkly thing that looks like what you get teabagged with, only a lot smaller. It's not THAT you hate we have a problem with, it's WHY you hate. Nothing wrong with properly-motivated hate. I know you want to pretend there's no difference between hating someone for being Muslim and hating someone for saying stupid shit, but you know that chronic condition you have where you're wrong a lot? It's flaring up again.

You're a fuckhead. Saying you "have a dubious grasp on the facts" or "suffer from serious delusions regarding the history of the House of Representatives" may be more genteel, more mature, or less loathing of higher civilization, but "fuckhead" is concise and taxonomically accurate. And I embrace science, fuckhead.

*Paying Robin Williams for doing his ancient schtick, and being the four billionth CGI movie about a bunch of wacky animals this year, to be precise.