Dick Joke Smorgasbord

« January 2007 »

Memo to all and sundry: YOU ARE DUMB.

No crappy movie to hate on this week, unless you count "Primeval", which is being advertised like it's a serial killer movie, but is actually about a giant alligator. There. I've just saved you eight fifty. And anyway, when it comes to exotic jungle creatures, nothing is more dangerous, more relentless, or more brutal than the Spastic Topic Monkey. Especially on a Friday.

First, a hearty FUCK YOU to whatever spammeister decided, a couple of days ago, to start sending out e-mails with subject lines ripped from current headlines. You can understand why this is particularly hard on me. I'm probably losing an extra 20 minutes out of my day, and what's worse, my penis hasn't gotten any bigger.

And speaking of big dicks, Condoleeza Rice would like you to know she doesn't see Dubya's surge as a "surge", or even an "escalation. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I think that I don’t see it, and the president doesn’t see it, as an escalation... I would call it, Senator, an augmentation..."

OK, ew. I've never been one to take much stock in those crazy rumors about Dubya and Condi sitting in a tree. It's far-fetched, it's potentially misogynistic, and it makes me think about Condoleeza Rice having sex. But I can't shake the feeling that whenever I've heard the term "augmentation" in the past few years, it's been appended to either "breast" or "natural male". So I really don't need to hear Condi use the term to describe a 15% increase in the size of Bush's force.

The text of this debacle is bad enough. I don't think I can handle subtext.

CANADIAN SPY COINS. Canadian coins with transmitters in them! Found in the pockets of security contractors! The Canadians may be tracking the movements of American military contractors by slipping them super-secret tracking coins! Now I know why "May you live in interesting times" is a curse. Fucking Canadian spy dimes!

The Canadians are denying it, of course. And the AP was quick to poke holes in the plan, saying that "Experts said hiding tracking technology inside coins is fraught with risks because the spy's target might inadvertently give away the coin or spend it buying coffee or a newspaper." These experts have obviously never tried to buy coffee and a newspaper with a Canadian quarter. After the apocalypse, all that'll be left are cockroaches, Twinkies, and Canadian quarters.

Which sounds like a cheap joke, not to mention an outdated one given what Bush has done to exchange rates. But given the shit about Iran in Dubya's speech on Wednesday, for all I know, the apocalypse could hit in mid-September.

In Texas, 18-year-old frat pledge Phanta "Jack" Phoummarath died of alcohol poisoning at a frat party. Investigators found his body covered in graffiti, including "FAG", "I'm gay", "I AM FAT", and pictures of naked men and women. Phoummarath's body was scrawled on, presumably, sometime between when he passed out and when he passed on.

There's no joke here, I just thought that, with everything else that's going on in the world these days, you might have forgotten how fucking useless and retarded fraternities and Texas both are. The answer? VERY.

The current Democratic field for president in 2008 consists of Tom Vilsack, Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich, and Christopher Dodd. When Joe Biden announced, he promised to, I shit you not, "try to be the best Biden I can be".

Look, guys, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But it's not gonna work. No matter how lame you wannabes are, it won't help me feel any better when you're all ditched in favor of Hillary next year. I know it's a tradition, every four years, for the Completely Fucking Ridiculous wing of the Democratic Party to throw their hats into the ring for one reason or another, but for once, I'd like to go through an election season where I can stop weeping before the field narrows to two or fewer. And this isn't going to be that season.