As Hard As I Can

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Memo to Boston: YOU ARE DUMB.

No, not the band, although they certainly bear a certain responsibility for their musical crimes over the decades. No, I'm talking about the city of Boston. Although I will admit, their collective hissyfit does mean I get out of talking about Racist Joe Biden, which is a welcome relief.

I mean, don't get me wrong, calling Barack Obama "articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy" makes me cringe. It's Old White Patronizing at its worst, and yet another data point on Biden's less than stellar race relations chart. But even his weaseling out of it is boring, because at the end of the day, it's simply impossible to pretend to care about Joe Biden. And thanks to Boston blowing up the Mooninites, I don't have to try.

For those who didn't notice, Boston spent all day yesterday in the grips of pants-shitting, transit-closing, send-in-the-robot BOMB SCARE TERROR because someone said they saw wires coming out of something stuck to a wall. The devices were removed, some, according to news reports, were detonated. At least one, according to a sensationalist caption, was "neutralized with a water cannon". Presumably, and apologies to Joe Biden, with extreme prejudice.

Here is a picture of one of the "bombs". NOT ACTUAL BOMB TIME!

It's IGNIGNOKT. For fuck's sake. I mean, I don't expect every member of the Boston Public to be familiar with the Mooninites, but Aqua Teen Hunger Force has been on for six years. The movie's out this year - probably what these signs were advertising. Someone should have twigged. Turns out they're just magnetic lights. Does that look threatening to you? Hell, Ignignokt doesn't even have a beard. I'm not sure what prompted people to think a pixelated blob flipping them off would explode, but that's life in the post-9/11 mindset for ya.

The best part of the whole thing for me is the way everyone, desperate to justify their jobs even after learning that they're just tiny advertisements, tiny advertisements that have been placed in nine other cities without a single bomb squad getting called in, kept describing the signs in dark, foreboding terms. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The exact nature of the objects was not disclosed. But authorities said some looked like circuit boards or had wires hanging from them." - The Associated Press, whose story had, a few paragraphs before, disclosed the exact nature of the objects.

Also desperate to seem useful was the government. Massachussets governor Duval Patrick proclaimed his outrage thusly: "It's a hoax - and it's not funny." Patrick's new at this, so I'll cut him a tiny bit of slack, but it's not a hoax. A hoax would be Cartoon Network planting things that looked like bombs on Boston subways so that people would think they were bombs. And that wouldn't be funny. What ACTUALLY happened was that Cartoon Network put up some ads that some Bostonians mistook for baaaaahms. And that IS funny.

Similarly, Boston mayor Thomas Menido. "This is not playing around. It's about keeping a city on edge. It's about public safety." It's about people getting freaked out by pixels flipping them off. Yell all you want about how people have to be suspicious and people have to be alert, but the fact is, they were suspicious of and alert to a fucking LITE BRITE. So, you know. Threaten fines and prosecution all you want, but don't expect us not to laugh at you the next time you throw yourself on an Etch-A-Sketch in an act of pointless faux-heroism.

Boston needs to stop watching "24" and start watching "Frisky Dingo". Because if anyone does plant a real bomb in a Boston subway, I can guarantee three things. One, you're not going to spot it. Two, you're not going to save everybody from it, and three, it's not going to have a picture of a cartoon character on it. Can you see this? Because I'm doing it as hard as I can.

LAST-MINUTE UPDATE: Since I penned this, they've now arrested a college student in connection with the events. Which means they're really desperate to not look stupid. Yay.