Happy Darwin Eve

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Memo to all you fuckin' monkeys: HAPPY DARWIN EVE.

Monday is Darwin Day, where people take the birthday of Charles Darwin and spend it celebrating science and reason. Now, I'll admit, I didn't know about Darwin Day until this year, but what the hell. I like science. I like reason. And I like evolutionary pressures. So on what is, from a column standpoint, Darwin Eve, I'd like to take a quick look at some important evolutionary pressures in modern society.

Like Ted Haggard. Oh, I know, under normal circumstances, a repressed gay meth-loving radical Christian preacher would not actually exert any force on an extant species. Hell, he wouldn't even think such a thing was possible, what with everything on God's six-thousand-year-old green Earth appearing out of nowhere or walking off a boat or being made out of a rib or whatever. But thanks to the fine Christian community of Denver, Ted Haggard is now an evolutionary force.

Because Ted Haggard has been declared completely heterosexual. Yes, after just THREE WEEKS of therapy by his brethren and "overseers", we are supposed to believe that Ted Haggard wants nothing more than middle-aged marital vag for the rest of his natural life. Which just goes to show you what selfish bastards those New Life Church people are. They've got a three-week cure for frequenting gay male prostitutes, and they're keeping it ALL TO THEMSELVES.

Of course, nobody with any sense in their head is buying a word of it. Not only did they dump him after three weeks, but they asked him, politely, to get the fuck out of Denver and to never preach again. The only way they could have been more obvious about Haggard's unrepentant sexuality is if they shared a Snickers bar with him then hit him with a wrench.

It has been demonstrated that listening to Ted Haggard is a bad thing. And his Jiffy Lube "straightening" ensures that the only people who will ever listen to Ted Haggard again are people who actually believe three weeks of intense therapy, plus leaving Colorado to "heal", is an effective technique for restoring one's natural heterosexuality. In scientific terms, these people are known as "really fucking stupid". And any time really fucking stupid people do bad things, that's good for evolution. I hope Ted Haggard does start up a new ministry and bilks anyone who follows him for all they've got. At least that way, the money will in some small way be supporting the gay community. Once or twice a week, in hundred dollar increments, cash only.

You know what else is an evolutionary pressure? A ton of metal and plastic going 30 miles an hour. This is why parents encourage their children to look both ways before crossing the street. The city of New York is trying to perform a similar function for all their citizenry, by making it illegal to cross the street while using an iPod, Blackberry, or any other electronic device.

This is stupid on several levels. Now, I know New York City is a bustling, teeming morass of street-level anarchy. But the way I understand crossing the street everywhere else is, if you're supposed to be in the crosswalk, there aren't supposed to be cars there. I don't care if you're listening to The Shins, playing Elite Beat Agents, or are stumbling across the street in a crack-addled haze with a fishbowl on your head. If you get hit while crossing the street legally, it's not your fault, and if you get hit while crossing the street illegally, then tough shit to you and your newly shattered legs.

But let's ignore that. Let's say that the three pedestrians whose fatal accidents triggered this attempt at legislation really did die as a direct result of fucking around with their gadgets instead of watching out for hurtling metal. So? See "tough shit" above. None of the reports I've read have indicated that anyone else was hurt as a result of these accidents. At worst, three drivers feel bad and need some detailing. If stupid people are getting killed for willfully doing stupid things, that's beneficial in the long run.

You want to stop people from playing Frogger figuratively as well as literally, change the laws so that they know damn well the intersection is a brutal no-man's land where the only things keeping them alive are their senses and reflexes. Maybe make it so that once the electronic device was found to be the sole cause of the accident, the driver gets off scot free and can't have their insurance premiums hiked. Plus, if it still works, they get to keep the iPod.

That'd be a much better way to celebrate Darwin Eve.