Run Over All The Ethur Bunnies

« March 2007 »

Memo to Ethur and The Porn Talk: YOU ARE DUMB.

You know what's more obnoxious than crazy stupid people? Crazy stupid people who act calm and reasonable. Crazy people with just enough self-awareness to know that if they act calm while being crazy, casual observers will think they're the reasonable ones, while the people they've provoked into being pissed off are the crazy ones.

On first glance, the people at are just concerned citizens discussing the evils of pornography and how parents can control their kids access to nipples. Oh, sure, their site abuses Flash the way Ike abused Tina. And yes, the overall writing level of their blogpostery checks in at a somewhat bright sixth-grader. But beyond that, the only clue you might have that they're actually bugfuck insane is a little article called "Wii Have A Porn Problem".Like the PSP before it, the Wii can get on the Internet. And the Internet, as all you Avenue-Q-listening motherfuckers won't stop singing at me, is for porn. Ergo, the Wii is a special, secret hole that porn can gently shove its way into. And parents must be warned! ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Many times when we buy something for our kids we fall into the trap of thinking that it only does this one function i.e.: playing games. But most new electronics coming out have Wi-Fi technology which means internet access. And you thought you only had to worry about the family computer! Oh no! And parents, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking because you may not have wireless internet (Wi-Fi) in your home that you’re safe. Many times Wi-Fi signals from your neighbors can beam into your house allowing for a great internet connection. Darn those neighbors!"

First of all, what in the sweet filmed fuck is up with the Bob Ross / Mister Rogers fauxlksy tone? Do they assume their target audience is mildly retarded? Oh, wait. They're providing a valuable service for parents who don't know what Wi-Fi is, who don't know the Wii has a web browser you can download for it, and who don't know about the parental controls. So maybe the tone's appropriate after all.

Basically, the Wii is a porn problem for families who buy expensive consumer electronics, then hand the boxes over to their children, who then retire to their private room with their private TV, hook up those electronics without any assistance, then connect to their neighbors unsecured Wi-Fi links to steal web access. And if you've got a kid like that, I'd suggest that his masturbating is the LEAST of your problems.

But the biggest argument against the Wii as porn purveyor isn't the ridiculous number of unsupervised hoops a kid would have to jump through. And it's not the system's appeal to parents and grandparents who could, at any moment, barge in hoping for a quick round of Wii Bowling. No, it's the Wii's game library itself. One of the most addictive launch lineups in video game history. Go ahead, get your kids a Wii. Neglect the parental controls feature. Just make sure they have a half-dozen games on the shelf, and your problem will solve itself. Excite Truck beats spanking it any day of the week.

As much as I hate to say it, given the hideous abuse of Wii puns by The Porn Talk, if you get your kid this console, they'll be much too busy playing with their Wii to masturbate.

By now, the careful reader is wondering what the fuck the "Ethur" in the title and the first paragraph is all about. Well you see, if you manage to navigate the hideous flash interface behind The Porn Talk, you'll find that the site is run by an organization called Ethur. And if you make your way to Ethur's web site, you'll find an even MORE egregious Flash-based site, complete with soft wipes and reflections. And there, despite The Porn Talk's claims of not being "a religious thing", you will find that it's a faith-based non-profit ministry.

Hey, maybe Ethur is as harmless as its Celestial Seasonings background imagery desperately wants to convince you it is. Maybe they really feel their calling, as a ministry, is to gently explain to complete morons how men's winkles get into the teevee. Or maybe they're a bunch of pro-family crusaders who've just finally come around to the realization that Donald Wildmon is not a role model from a marketing standpoint.

I don't know. But I do know this. Sneaking porn behind your parents' backs is an old and honored tradition. And if you've got kids who can get away with it on a Wii, your kids have been getting away with it by other means for a long time. And you're probably still wondering why there are so many socks in the laundry each week.