Jane D'Oh

« April 2007 »

Memo to Michelle Malkin: YOU ARE JOHN DUMB.

Why are wingnuts such fucking drama queens? Can anybody answer me this? I mean, yes, there are drama queens on both sides, but there are some right-wingers who seem like they live in a permanent fantasy world where they're the star of a movie that combines all the best aspects of Gladiator, Rambo, and Triumph of the Will.

You know the type I mean. The type who must imbue every moment with great import. The type who have Ride of the Valkyries on a loop in their in-car stereo so that every trip to Target to buy more Cheetos to fuel their blogging rage is like a scene from Apocalypse Now.

I mentioned on Friday local columnist Katherine Kersten's obsession with the Flying Imams and their lawsuit. Now, Kersten's lucky if she can imagine herself guesting on Martha Stewart's Living while a Coldplay song plays in the background, but she's apparently not the only one excessively concerned about a small part of a lawsuit that implies that passengers could, eventually, maybe, somewhere down the road, be held liable for crying Terrorist Wolf on an airplane.

It's a position I actually find myself vaguely sympathetic toward, at first. You don't want to stop people from acting on a genuine threat for fear of getting sued. Yes, there should be some mechanisms in place, due to the fact that most people don't know a genuine threat from the corn in their poop - but I agree it shouldn't be the courts. It's a shame, then, that they're blowing this thing up to a struggle of epic proportions, presumably due to nothing else going their way for the past three weeks.

Which leads us to America's leading internment apologist and the woman most likely to say "faggot" at the NEXT big conservative hoedown, your fiend and mine, Michelle Malkin. Malkin is currently pimping "I Am John Doe", one of the most histrionic and turgid pieces of fascist free verse I've ever seen. Here's a brief taste - the whole thing is 27 pithy statements, five of which are repetitions of "I am John Doe." It may be 28 - I'm not sure if the "Pass it on." at the end is part of it or not.

"I will not be censored in the name of tolerance. / I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about 'profiling' or 'Islamophobia.' / I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism. / I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated. / I am John Doe."

No, you're a fucking drama queen, is what you are. You've taken a "clash of civilizations" you've largely made up out of whole cloth, you've assigned yourself a role in it as the strategic general from behind your keyboard, and you've written yourself what you think is the big, Patton-esque speech to rally the forces of good as the music swells and the flag waves.

And meanwhile, in the real world, you're being escorted out of Denny's for making a fucking scene. AGAIN.

Oh, and another thing. Let's take a look at the three incidents from which they draw their incredibly heroic motivation to act incredibly heroically. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight... I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean... I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run."

So you've got one instance where the passengers knew there were terrorists because they'd already hijacked the plane. One instance where the passengers knew there was a terrorist because he was trying to light a fuse on his shoe, and one incident which... actually, what the fuck? James woods? 9/11 test run? I will admit, this is the first I've heard of it. But let's assume it's not some urban legend.

Because if it's true, what it means is that an average passenger (to the extent that James Woods can be considered average) saw Arabs acting suspiciously on a plane. He notified the authorities, and after his brave, forthright, and politically incorrect actions, a month later, the same men flew planes into the World Trade Center. I know that's the kind of effective example that makes me want to tackle anyone with a beard next time I'm sitting in coach.

Or at least write a forceful blog post about how I sure as heck would.