No Happy Endings

« May 2007 »

Memo to Randall Tobias and Sony: YOU ARE DUMB.

In case you all were wondering, yes, I am in fact continuing my crusade to improve the quality of excuses in this world. We have got to raise our game, people. Repeating "I don't recall" fifty to seventy times just emboldens the terrorists. I'm looking for plausible and helpful excuses for blatant wrongdoing, and no, "Bill Clinton did it" doesn't count. Even when he did do it. Which he usually didn't.

It's like the old saying goes. Don't do the crime if you can't take the time... to come up with a way of explaining why it's not a crime that an eight-year-old wouldn't find ridiculous. Which brings us to Randall Tobias.

If you don't know who Randall Tobias is, he used to be the (or "a", I don't actually know if there are more than one) Deputy Secretary of State. He worked in international development, and was Bush's ambassador for the President's Emergency Fund for AIDS Relief. That right there tells you he has some fucking issues.

Anyway, Tobias resigned after being the first big name outed as a client of that "escort service" in DC whose proprietor is naming names to save her own ass. And here's how ABC's Brian Ross described Tobias' response. ACTUAL QUOTING QUOTE TIME!

"On Thursday, Tobias told ABC News he had several times called the 'Pamela Martin and Associates' escort service 'to have gals come over to the condo to give me a massage.' Tobias, who is married, said there had been 'no sex,' and that recently he had been using another service 'with Central Americans' to provide massages. He said he didn’t remember them at all. He said it was like ordering pizza."

First, "gals"? That's the hallmark of a man who has to pay women to spend time with him right there. Because only call girl rates let you put up with that shit from an old wrinkly civil servant. Second, you don't spend that kind of money on a massage unless they're working out the stiffness in your crotch. Third, don't cement the contempt for women you showed by calling them "gals" by saying you've switched over to "Central Americans". What the fuck is that? Does he assume women from between certain latitudes will be more willing to touch him between certain latitudes? That's the second-least reassuring statement in the history of reassuring statements.

And finally, when you've already got "gals", "no sex", and "Central Americans" bouncing around in the giant Lotto drum of your skull, the last thing you need to do is reach in and pull out a ball with "ordering pizza" on it. It takes the excuse and just elevates it to an all new level of awful.

Which brings us, phonetically, to Sony. Remember before when I said Tobias had made the second-least reassuring statement in the history of reassuring statements? That's because the record holder is now a spokesman for Sony explaining to a British tabloid about a Greek release party for God of War II that included topless women and a dead goat.

I'm not sure exactly why Sony felt the need for damage control. If you have topless women and a decapitated goat at your Loco Roco release party, that's a problem. At a God of War II release party, that's called "showing adequate restraint". Maybe it was the bit where guests were invited, in the metier of the crappy church basement open house, to partake of the goat's intestines. Anyway, here's the relevant text from the Daily Mail:

"The Sony spokesman said the animal had not been slaughtered for the event but had been bought from a local butcher by the Greek company hired to stage the event. What purported to be warm intestines was actually warm offal.

I have searched my mind and my heart for some way to look at that sentence and see how it could possibly have a mitigating effect, and I'm coming up empty. Accused of serving a goat's intestines at a party, Sony counters with the fact that the intestines and organs served at the party didn't actually come from the dead goat that was also at the party. As if the problem was a horrible breach of etiquette wherein the dead goat was considered a guest, and thus eating THOSE intestines would be gauche.

Sony have since clarified the story further, and the "offal" has become "a meat soup, made to a traditional Greek recipe". Which certainly sounds nice if you don't think too hard about the semantic and culinary implications of the generic term "meat" combined with the phrase "traditional recipe". I'm not saying the soup definitely had goat intestines in it, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if the "chicken" seemed a bit chewy.

So there you have it. Two of the worst excuses known to man. At least until an undersecretary of something or other gets caught fucking a dead goat, and claims in his defense that he was actually just dipping his balls in a traditional Central American stew he ordered from Domino's.