Ninja-Free Zone

« May 2007 »

In my years writing You Are Dumb, I have established a very small handful of Great Truths previously unknown to the universe. Not many - certainly not enough to get me ranked with the world's great philosophers, but a few. And the very first Great Truth revealed to the world through this site is this: Mormons are the anti-ninjas.

Since even I rarely encounter either Mormons or ninja in the wild, this truth, while resonant, has tended to lay dormant. But with Mitt Romney, Anti-Ninja, running for president, it's time to remind ourselves of it all over again. Because Mitt is true to the Mormon ideals of a complete lack of stealth. This isn't some smooth politician who wins you over during the election then goes crazy once he's in office, no. We've already documented his love for Battlefield Earth, but who knew that was just the beginning of a week-long crazy campaign? So in honor of Mitt, today is an all-singing, all-dancing, all-Mormon, no-ninja edition of MITT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Governor Romney believes both science and faith can help inform us about the origins of life in this world."

OK, technically, this is a Mormon's spokesman saying the damndest thing. But the context is key. Remember that Republican debate last week? The one where three of the ten candidates* said "no" when asked if they believe in evolution? Well, Mitt Romney wasn't one of them. The Jesus-freaks noticed, and he tried to appease them - the quote was a response to a Christian Broadcasting Network request.

Of course, looking to faith to inform us about the origins of life is stupid. You can look to faith to inform you about all kinds of metaphysical shit if you want. Go to town on the origin of consciousness. But on the origins of life? The only thing you've got is who sparked the primordial soup, and that ain't the answer Pat Robertson and Company are looking for. They want the two naked people and the snake. No, the OTHER two naked people and the snake. With the apple. Mitt wants to make them happy without the rest of us noticing, but as a Mormon, he's really really bad at it.

"In France, for instance, I'm told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up. How shallow and how different from the Europe of the past."

OK. Let's say you're crazy. Just completely fucking nuts. But you want to blend into the background. So you find a place that's just chock full of nuts. Like, say, Regent University, Pat Robertson's duly accredited tardfarm. What kind of ninja could go to Regent University and seem crazy by comparison? NO KIND OF NINJA. Only someone completely devoid of ninjitsu could manage this.

In case you're wondering: no, marriage is not contracted in France. Not in seven-year terms or any other. It's not true. In fact, it's SO not true that there's been a great deal of effort put forth in trying to figure out where in the living blue fuck Romney got this idea in his head in the first place.

The leading contender is, I shit you not, the Orson Scott Card book "A Memory Of Earth". And it fits. Card is a Mormon. Romney's a Mormon. Card writes religiously-themed SF. Romney's favorite book is religiously-themed SF. Card hate gays. Romney either hates gays or, at least, wants everyone to believe he does. The only problem is, fake outer space is a long way from real France.

Which means the more familiar Romney is likely to be with "A Memory Of Earth", the farther his tiny brain had to go to confuse it with the decadent, anti-family Europe of his imagination. I'd prefer to think that one of the Republican frontrunners isn't THAT crazy. I'm much more comforted by the possibility that, perhaps, he thinks the French are Vulcans.

*A fascinating ratio, by the way - reminiscent of the Bush approval rating or the percentage of the vote Alan Keyes got a couple of years ago.