Larry The Keen Sociopolitical Observer Guy

« May 2007 »

Memo to Larry and Jack: YOU ARE DUMB.

Obviously, an important event like the World Congress of Families is going to disrupt schedules a bit. As a result, you're getting your Spastic Topic Monkey Friday on a Monday. It's a good thing I'm not a strict constructionist.

I'm sure regular readers of this space were surprised to not see Friday's column given over to Delta Farce, the exciting new Larry the Cable Guy wacky military comedy. I was a bit surprised myself. I mean, it's everything I hate, tied up in a neat little celluloid bow. But on the face of it, it's too easy - at least in a week where I had plenty of other material. But then I realized the funny thing about Delta Farce:

They actually went and made a movie whose premise is that a bunch of inbred, retarded redneck pigfuckers grab their guns and start shooting at brown people, because they CAN'T TELL which kind of brown people they are. That's the plot. The framework on which they hang their imitation processed cheese comedy. Which means that Delta Farce is the only Larry the Cable Guy movie with a socio- and geo-political subtext AND fart jokes. Even if it's just the fart jokes that are on purpose.

Normally, I have a strict policy of not responding to e-mail in the column. For a number of reasons, 99 times out of a hundred, it's a bad idea. But I'd like to extend a tiny modicum of thanks to some guy who signs his e-mails "Jack", but whose e-mail ID is the porntastic John Long, for the information he imparted.

That information is that Michael Patrick McPhail got off. Or, rather, he didn't get off. OK, he got off on account of not getting off in the way he was arrested for getting off, i.e. balls-deep in a pit bull. Washington State's first criminal bestiality charge is now its first bestiality acquittal. So, you know. Yay justice.

Upon the acquittal, which occurred on Thursday, apparently John "Jack" Long took it upon himself to find all the old webmockery based entirely on the arrest of McPhail and send them the news. Of course, not understanding that time is in fact LINEAR, he seemed to think that I should therefore have retroactively not written the October column. Or should have been following the case. Or something. I mean, yes, I'd be a bit touchy if every time someone googled my name DOGFUCKER came up in Arial 16 point, but that's no reason for some other guy to call me a prick.

Let me explain, to all of you and perhaps to Long how this column works. It works a whole hell of a lot like the Incredible Hulk. Specifically, the Bill Bixby / Lou Ferrigno version. Every day, I breeze into a new town. Every day, I see something that pisses me off or cracks me up. I get big, I get green, I metaphorically throw some metaphorical dudes through metaphorical doors in metaphorical slow motion (or actual slow motion if you're not that good a reader). And then I wake up, wearing nothing but torn jeans, and head off to a new day and a new town as mournful piano music plays.

I do not look back. Even if I wanted to, it's just impractical. I don't mind admitting I was wrong. I don't even mind admitting when the facts, as laid out in this column after being gleaned from reasonably reliable news reports, change in a way that slightly impacts my rhetorical thrust. Hell, even though John "Jack" Long somehow expected me to know, three days later, the outcome of a six-month old case I only covered in the first place because it was a much-needed distraction from Election 2006, and sent me an e-mail that contained the word "femi-nazi", thereby firmly establishing his douchebag credentials, I've taken it upon myself to make changes in the original McPhail column to account for the new circumstances.

Because that's how much of a fucking mensch I am.