The Wrong Lie

« May 2007 »

Memo to Tommy Thompson: YOU ARE DUMB.

But not as dumb as the people accepting your excuses.

I don't understand why we let them do it. Like with fucking Gonzales. The guy gets up there, answers specific questions about specific instances of malfeasance, and does so with shit like "I think I might be aware of that", and gets a gold star for "surviving", like the only goal was to get to the end without fainting or shooting someone? Or Tommy Thompson. He said something stupid at the debates, and has now given three completely implausible excuses for his answer. Here's the question he was asked:

"If a private employer finds homosexuality immoral, should he be allowed to fire a gay worker?"

And here's what he answered. These two things are important, you see.

"I think that is left up to the individual business. I really sincerely believe that that is an issue that business people have got to make their own determination as to whether or not they should be." Grammar aside, this seems pretty straightforward. And wrong. So he was called on it.

First, he said he misunderstood the question. Second, he said he misheard the question because his hearing aid went dead. And third, he said he misunderstood the question because he'd had the flu, was in the hospital, his hearing aid wend dead and he REALLY had to use the bathroom. Whether for Number One or Number Two was not specified.

Even better, here's the question he claims he thought he was answering: "I was just, I just... I thought they were saying 'are there enough laws dealing with the subject?'

Nobody believes this. I don't care if Thompson was up there with his colon ready to explode like a fucking bottle rocket on the Fourth of July. No way in hell do you answer a question you think is about laws with an answer that says it's up to the individual business. Because individual businesses don't get to decide whether laws are sufficient. Only their lobbyists get to do that.

Here's what really happened. I guarantee you. Tommy Thompson told the wrong lie at the wrong time. He mispandered. He thought he was at the National Goatfuckers Convention, so he lied about loving to fuck goats, only to realize he was actually speaking to Southern Baptists, who at the very least don't admit to -enjoying- the goatfucking. He tried to score some cheap points and blew it. And the only thing worse than accidentally letting slip what you really believe, is actually letting slip the wrong thing that you don't believe.

Look. If a band comes to Houston, and goes up on stage, and says how great it is to be back in San Antonio, they get booed. And rightly so. But it doesn't mean they're not happy to be in Houston. Or it doesn't mean that, when they WERE in San Antonio, they had a great time and couldn't wait to get back. They were just telling you what you wanted to hear, and fucked it up. That's what Tommy did. Except Tommy didn't get any beer bottles chucked at his head.

Which is, now that I think about it, a goddamned shame. If politicians had to risk getting beaned by a half-full Pabst Blue Ribbon every time they got caught in a bit of patent bullshittery, they might think twice before they try it. Or they might just buy a bunch of Plexiglas helmets with full face shields. Either way, it'd be an improvement.