NWO Joe!

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Memo to Glenn Beck and ilk: DUMB IS NOT THE OTHER HALF OF THE BATTLE.

A right-wing ubersnit can be, depending on the target, one of the most hilarious or most infuriating things on the planet. When they don their self-righteous apeshit mantles and stalk working families, then it's reprehensible. But when they go after an offense that requires a complete detachment from reality to be affronted by, well folks, that's where the high comedy kicks off.

Especially when they get all foot-stompingly grumpy about their favorite enemy of America, Hollywood. You see, Paramount has announced they're making a G.I. JOE movie. You, the reader, being a sane person of reasonable intelligence, will of course think back to the sales numbers of the Transformers movie, which exceeded its actual quality by an amount that would stagger Carl Sagan. And since that kind of success makes Hollywood's panties wet, you realized very quickly that other 80's cartoons would be getting the big-budget, low-IQ blockbuster treatment. And after Transformers, Joe is the next, perfectly logical step.

So when you hear that in the new movie, GI Joe is a multinational fighting force that takes on a group of terrorists led by a Scottish arms dealer, you sanely and rationally figure that this is actually a bit CLOSER to the source material than Transformers was, since odds are this Joe movie won't actually be focused on the epic struggle between Shia LeBouf and his parents. You will think this because you are not a jingoistic wingnut fuck. Because what jingoistic wingnut fucks think is this:

"Well, thank goodness the villain -- no need to offend anyone by making our villains Arabs, Muslims, or foreign dictators of any stripe these days, though apparently Presbyterians who talk like Scottie on "Star Trek" are still OK -- is a double-crossing arms dealer. Otherwise one might be tempted to conclude the geniuses at Paramount believe arms dealing itself is evil." - Vin Suprynowicz, Las Vegas Review-Journal

Suprynowicz seems to be under the mistaken impression that at any point in GI Joe's mythology, he (pre-1982) or they (post-1982) had as its mission fighting Arabs, Muslims, or foreign dictators. Well, OK, the World War II ones technically fought Hitler, I suppose, but Hasbro didn't actually make a Hitler doll for them to fight, is my point. In Surpynowicz's defense, knowing anything about GI Joe would completely derail the rest of his article, which tells the true heroic story of World War II Marine Mitchell Paige, then goes on to make this startling claim:

"When the Hasbro Toy Co. called some years back, asking permission to put the retired colonel's face on some kid's doll, Mitchell Paige thought they must be joking. But they weren't. That's his mug, on the little Marine they call "G.I. Joe." At least, it has been up till now. Mitchell Paige's only condition? That G.I. Joe must always remain a United States Marine."

MY GOD! Hollywood is raping the memory of this dead Marine, who was the original model for GI Joe. And they're breaking the solemn vow they made to him to always keep GI Joe a Marine! It's yet another example of leftist Hollywood troop-hating, and is not mitigated in the slightest by the fact that it's entirely made-up.

Mitchell Paige did give his permission for his likeness to grace a GI Joe doll. In 1998. Decades after "GI Joe" had been a Marine, a Navy SEAL, a rugged mountaineer, an astronaut, and a name for a terrorist-fighting organization. Mitchell Paige's own posthumously-preserved web page doesn't make any of the claims this Vegas fuckhead makes. In fact, these claims are found nowhere on the Internet except this guy's article, and dozens upon dozens of right-wing blogs quoting this article. Apparently they love the troops so much they're willing to pretend other people hate the troops so that they can feel like they love the troops EVEN MORE.

Anyway, the usual Parade of Douchebags made its ceremonial lap around the Echo Chamber until one of their cable news patrons picked up on it and put his own spin on the story. Could have been O'Reilly, could have been Cavuto, but this time, through pure random chance, it happened to be Glenn Beck. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"For starters, he's no longer Government Issue Joe. G.I. Joe used to stand for that. Now it stands for -- and I'm not kidding you -- Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity. What? When did entities stand for anything but evil? I'm just saying. Poor Joe has now been discharged from the American military, and Hollywood now has him answering to some bullcrap international force like the U.N. We all know that the U.N. is a toothless bunch of pansies. They don't deserve somebody like Joe, even the little plastic version."

First of all, if you get to host a cable news show, even one that nobody watches, you should either know what the fuck "entities" means, or be required to have someone on staff who can tell you. Beck clearly fails both those tests in spectacular fashion. And second of all, let's all think back to the most recent example of a group composed of military members from a variety of countries, including America, whose mission was to fight terrorists all over the world.

Was it, as Beck states, "some bullcrap international force"? "A bunch of pansies"? Or, as he also implied, a group designed to "indoctrinate our kids into hating their own country, turning us into some one-world-government nightmare"? No. It was called the Coalition Of The Willing, George W. Bush Propaganda Version. And as you may recall, anyone who suggested that perhaps it wasn't much of a global coalition, but instead a whole shitload of Americans and a few token foreigners whose governments were bribed into signing onto the list, well, you were a troop-hating Hollywood liberal.

I can't remember the last time a four- to twelve- inch piece of molded plastic got a right-winger this worked up. Oh wait, yes I can. But let's leave Bill O'Reilly's vibrators out of it. This whole subject is messy enough.