Hitler, Phelps, and Giuliani

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Winter is fast approaching, bit luckily, monkeys don't hibernate. Back from a successful multi-week tour of Del Monte banana-processing facilities in South America, it's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

Certain people keep trying to convince me that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is just like Hitler. Or the new Hitler. Or that appeasing him is just like appeasing Hitler because he's just like Hitler, only new. The new Hitler. And they emphasize this by reminding me that he's a Holocaust denier.

But that makes no sense. There aren't a lot of nice things you can say about Hitler, but beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of them is that he wasn't a Holocaust denier. Quite the opposite, in fact. I see Hitler as more of a Holocaust enabler. Ahmadinejad isn't the new Hitler. He's the new Mel Gibson.


I don't care how much of a free-speech absolutist you are. There's still no chance in hell you're going to get me to feel bad about Fred Phelps' inbred family church getting fined eleven million dollars for protesting at a soldier's funeral.

And yes, I know that standing up for freedom of speech means holding to the principle even in the face of the most hateful and stupid rhetoric known to man, a.k.a. Westboro Baptist's sole stock in trade. Defend to my death their right to say it. I get it. I just don't care.

Maybe if this were in the top ten affronts to the Constitution going on right now, I could muster the energy to give a flying fuck. But these days, telling a dozen pigfuckers they can't shout at a family that their loved one died as punishment for America's failure to stone homosexuals? That doesn't even crack the top 1000. Dick Cheney mangled the Constitution in half a dozen worse ways before breakfast this morning. Without even trying.

And fuck your slippery slope argument with the slope's own lube. Westboro Baptist is thankfully, blissfully unique. In a social environment where nearly any action or view, no matter how extreme, can find mainstream figures to defend it, Fred Phelps is pure poison. Not even Glenn Beck will stand up for him. This verdict won't have a chilling effect on other people who want to protest private funerals to advance their political agenda, because there ARE no other people who want to protest private funerals to advance their political agenda. They understand that the polite thing to do is to let the memorial service take place, and then spend the next three years bitching on talk radio about how horribly partisan it was.


Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani. Thanks, Pat, but we already knew Giuliani was fucking crazy. Also: Thanks, Pat, but we already knew the religious right didn't actually have any principles worth sticking to other than seeking to attach themselves to whoever had the most power. Also: Thanks, Pat. Maybe you should ship Rudy a case of your magical Jesus-shakes that allow you to bench-press three thousand pounds. Because Rudy's giant pile of dead weight just got indicted, and I bet he'd love to push Bernie Kerik as far away as he can. Also: Fuck you, Pat.