Jive Leftover Turkey

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Memo to Scott McLellan: NICE TRY, BITCHCAKES.

Fuck Scott McLellan. I mean, seriously. Fuck him. Fuck anyone who does their evil little job for years, then once they get out, decide to write a book talking about all the horrible things you were there -during-, but were not in any way responsible for. Fuck you. No absolution.

McLellan, the first person to get paid to officially lie to the press on President Monkey's behalf, is working on the inevitable story of his time as press secretary. And he caused a bit of a minor furor this week when the publisher leaked an excerpt which seemed to implicate Bush, Cheney, Libby, Rove, and Andy Card as the five people who caused him to lie about Libby and Rove not being involved in Plamegate.

It doesn't even matter that, after the completely anticipated and carefully timed two days of discussion and noise, that McLellan is saying that he didn't mean what his carefully-clipped excerpt sounded like it meant. I mean, that part is pretty goddamned weasel-dicked, but it's just an extension of the inherent weaseldickery of the situation.

This has happened countless times. A book comes out with Shocking Revelations about Bush and the White House. They're discussed for a little while. Cable news puts on two people - one of whom, if we're lucky, always knew about what was Shockingly Revealed because they were paying attention, and the other an apologist who will tell us that all this stuff has been gone over before and nobody proved anything. It happened with McLellan. I saw Christopher Hitchens on CNN spouting all the talking points about how great it was that they outed a CIA agent.

So fuck all you ex post facto literati. You want to rehabilitate your image as an enabler of the worst president since big bushy moustaches were in vogue? Then take somebody down. Come out with some information that is so actually shocking, and so actually revelatory, that Christopher Hitchens can't even defend it, no matter how many bombs Bush has dropped on the Muslims he's so worried about. Something Sean Hannity can't spin. OK, something he can only spin a little bit.

They don't give out rewards for just any old information, you know. They give rewards for information leading to the arrest or capture. And yeah, it's a tall order. It's not that Bush is made out of Teflon. Shit that's thrown at him sticks just fine. It's just that we apparently Washington has collectively decided that it would be rude to notice the smell. But you know what? That's not my problem.

The McLellans of the world want us to remember them kindly. To forgive. No, wait. We can't even forgive them, because to forgive them, they would have to be to blame for what happened. And none of them will admit to that. They were all duped, or lied to, or misled, or betrayed in some way by an administration whose goals they agreed with, but who somehow failed to live up to their own personal ideals.

They want us to believe that. I don't know if it's pure cynical self-interest, or if, by convincing us of it, they can believe it themselves, but we have two very good reasons NOT to believe it. The first is, well, the whole bit where it's not actually true. And the second is that they're simply not working hard enough to earn it. So they can take their six-figure advances and their vaguely-worded implicatory paragraphs and shove them so far up their asses their dentists will wonder what the hell they are.