Neville Say Neville Again

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Memo to Frank Gaffney: FIND A NEW ANALOGY.

Frank Gaffney is a known nutjob. He's such a known nutjob I'm surprised I've never brought him up before. He's a neocon in the "clash of civilizations", "World War III" mold that's all the rage these days. You know, the people who are terrified that any minute now, the Muslim world will succeed in its goal of invading us and converting us, but isn't the slightest bit concerned about the falling dollar.

The Washington Times is a known nutjob rag. It makes Fox News seem reasonable. If you're riding the subway, the Washington Times is officially the third-scariest thing the guy next to you could be reading, just behind hardcore pornography and To Serve Man. Plus, I hear it's run by the Moonies, which I'm led to believe is like Scientology, only more respectable.

That said, I do feel the need, for a couple of reasons, to point out this fascinating thesis, penned by Gaffney, and slapped onto recycled toilet paper by the Unification Church's fun-time daily. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Despite official efforts to low-ball its significance, Miss Rice's conclave is shaping up to be a gang-rape of a nation on a scale not seen since Munich in 1938, when the British and French allowed Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini to have their violent way with Czechoslovakia. This time, the intended victim is Israel. As with the effort to appease the Nazis and Fascists nearly 70 years ago, however, the damage will not be confined to the rapee. The interests of the Free World in general and the United States in particular will suffer from what the Saudis and most of the other attendees have in mind for the Jewish State — namely, its dismemberment and ultimate destruction."

I have a love/hate/hate relationship with this quote. I love it for its delusional naivete. Condoleeza Rice is having a two-day summit to discuss the Israel-Palestine situation, and Frank Gaffney is so sure that she'll solve it, and that he'll hate the solution, that he's willing to bring out the term "gang-rape". That's awesome. A conflict that's been going on for hundreds of years, and the one to stop it in two days will be Condi? Armed only with the U.S. government's newfound desire to allow Israel to be dismembered? That part alone violates half a dozen laws of NEOCON logic, much less for-real human logic.

But seriously, dude. Gang-rape? Not only is the metaphor excessive, I'm not sure it even works in Gaffney's twisted context. Not even with all his attempts to bolster it by referencing naval rape cases in Annapolis (site of the conference), bringing up the Saudi rape case currently in the news, and calling pretty much everyone at the conference except the US and Israel a gang. Gaffney worked over that poor, defenseless rape metaphor like... shit, I've written myself into a corner here, haven't I?

But the most irritating thing of all in Gaffney's whole wretched piece is that once again, it brings out appeasing the Nazis. Munich. 1938. Neville Fucking Chamberlain. And no, Frank Gaffney does not get bonus points for the thing he's comparing to the Nazi peace conference actually being a peace conference. That boat sailed a long time ago, when every other fucking thing you could think of ended up being just like appeasing the Nazis.

Not bombing Iraq? Appeasing the Nazis. Not bombing Iran? Appease appease appease. In general thinking about talking with any world leader a few shades darker than "latte"? Naz-appeasey! Prosecuting Enron? Neville Chamberlain would have done that. Having your pets spayed and neutered? Might as well just fuck Eva Braun while you're at it. Decide you don't want to shop online during Cyber Monday? Sure, if you want to be complicit in the murder of millions of Jews.

I swear, Neville Chamberlain catches more shit for appeasing the Nazis once than the Nazis do for, well, actually being Nazis. And they were Nazis a whole bunch of times. Yes, we get it. A British guy made a bad call SEVENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO.

At this point, every time some wingnut mentions Chamberlain, I get a little bit more pissed off at old Neville for giving these bastards a talking point to beat into the earth's mantle, and a little bit less mad at him for actually appeasing the Nazis. And I'm pretty sure that's not the point of historical analogy. So can we collectively agree to cut it the fuck out? No? I didn't think so.