What The Flock?

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Memo to Sherri Shepherd: YOU ARE DUMB.

There are three things that prevent me from watching The View: my job, my brain, and my penis. Yet somehow, despite my complete lack of interest, the show not only survives, it thrives. And thrives so much that the media thinks I need to know every time the cast rotates. Hint: I don't.

I don't know how, but The View must have hit on some kind of winning formula. And while I have no idea what that formula is, I can tell you this much. It doesn't rely on all the hosts knowing what that formula is either. Or what A formula is. Or how to spell "formula". Ladies and gentlemen, meet Sherri Shepherd, The View's newest co-host. Stand-up comic, veteran of several recent sitcoms, and willing participant in "Who's Your Caddy?". And, despite her perfectly acceptable turn on "30 Rock", a complete and utter idiot.Apparently, back in September, she proclaimed her complete disbelief of evolution. Which is fine. Well, it's not FINE fine, but when it comes to jobs I don't want creationists to fill, "View co-host" is a lot less troubling than "presidential candidate". Anyway, Whoopi Goldberg asked her, as a follow-up, if the world was flat, and here's what Shepherd said:

"I never thought about it, Whoopi. Is the world flat? I never thought about it. But I tell you what I thought about. How am I gonna feed my child, how am I gonna take care of my family. The world... is the world flat has never entered into, like, has not been an important thing to me... If my son, Jeffrey, asks me is the world flat, I guess I will go and look it up."

I love this. Love it love it love it. And not because a talk show host, on national television, is equivocating and hedging about the SHAPE OF THE EARTH. No, what I love about it is the idea that somehow, even contemplating the shape of the earth puts her and her children in danger of starvation. It's just too damn much work. Flat or round? No time to decide. No time to even teach the controversy! Child must eat!

If only Joe Klein* had thought of that excuse. That would have been awesome.

A day later, she explained that she wasn't stupid. She knows the earth is round, she just got flustered and confused by the question. Which, again, is the kind of excuse our leaders should consider using. Bush could admit he's known for years that Iran wasn't building a bomb, he just got flustered every time he had to talk about it.

Fast forward to this week. The Viewbots are discussing Epicurus, for reasons I dare not contemplate. Cue Shepherd to set the record straight on the historical pecking order.

"They [the Greeks] had Christians because they threw them to the lions!" [Whoopi:] "I think this might predate that." [Shepherd:] "I don't think anything predated Christians." [Behar:] The Greeks were first, then the Romans, then the Christians. [Shepherd:] "Jesus came first, before them, so... I... OK..."

A-fucking-stonishing. I knew there were young earth creationists. I even knew there were heliocentric creationists. But Shepherd seems to be promoting New Testament creationism, shaving another four thousand years off the age of the Earth and declaring the birth of Jesus to be the Immaculate Big Bang.

That's a tough sell, but as a creationist, she's got the fundamentals, as it were, to pull it off. Attack anthropologists as secular liberals! Satan buried clay pots as a test of our faith! Demand that people who believe in Socrates are forced to drink some kind of indeterminate plant-based poison!

Do it for the children, Shepherd. All the poor children being lied to in history classes. Get Texas to demand textbooks that cover the entire historical record, from Jesus to... well, Jesus. Teach Whoopi and her round-earth, partial-Jesus history a lesson none of us will soon forget.

* Google terms for getting this joke: Klein Greenwald FISA.