Auto De Feh

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Memo to the auto industry: HO HO NO.

Over the years, I've sort of backed myself into a holiday tradition of noticing ludicrously stupid shit marketed to the public as potential Christmas gifts. Usually the kind of thing you'd never allow into your own home, but think is just perfect for cluttering up your friends' and family's lives. You know, like separate appliances for reheating frozen pizzas.

Well, Christmas is imminent, and I haven't noticed a goddamned thing. Either the impending recession has gotten the attention of Corporate America, in which case I'll be chilling my eggnog with chunks of Hell this year, or my obsession with getting all 120 stars* kept me away from commercials for the past six weeks. I know where the smart money goes on this one.

Well, OK. I did see one thing this year. It's something I see every single fucking year, my most hated of all Christmas gift ads. You've seen them too. The setup can vary. Sometimes its a family opening up nice, but ultimately unspectacular presents. Sometimes it's a young couple pulling up to their house. But they always end the same way: with a car wrapped in a giant fucking bow.

I cannot stress this enough. If you surprise someone with a car for Christmas, there is something seriously fucking wrong with you. Doubly so if you go with the giant bow. There was a less cynical time when I thought the bows were advertising props, and you couldn't actually get a car wrapped in one, but these days, before I even looked, I knew it had to be out there. And it is. Along with full wrapping-paper options for people who think the giant fucking bow is passe or doesn't go far enough.

Cars should be chosen. Picked out. Thought about. They are a major purchase, not an impulse buy. If you're making that kind of financial decision and not telling the other person in your life about it, either you're a complete moron for whom all the Christmas morning glee will bite you on the ass when the bill comes due, or you have too much fucking money and shouldn't be flaunting it by parking CARS WITH BOWS ON THEM in your front yard.

The only person who should be surprising people with new cars is Bob Barker. And no, I don't care. I won't put Drew Carey in that joke, because if you put Drew Carey in that joke, the joke stops being funny. It takes a while for actual reality to seep down into Punchline Reality, and Drew's going to need a few more years under his belt before he can be included in any Showcase Showdown related comedy.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. People should not be giving cars as gifts, and car companies shouldn't be spending two or three months a year trying to normalize what is, in essence, aberrant anti-social behavior. Even if that is, essentially, their mission statement at this point.

*A dream fully realized, by the way.