25 May, 2013 - 19:51 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Matt Barber, Louie Gohmert, and Rick Scarborough: YOU ARE DUMB.
Bonus column! Start your Memorial Day weekend off right with some dummy goodness. Now, when deciding how to order today's bonus edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, I had options. I could have gone with gungaygay. I couild hve gone with gaygaygun. Butj variety is the spice of life, so I went with gaygungay.
"If you feel such despair, know this: it is not 'homophobia' causing it, as adult enablers might tell you, but, rather, it is the sin itself that causes it (or struggling alone, absent Christ, with the temptation to sin)... If you continue down this wide, empty path, make no mistake: it will not 'get better.' It gets much, much worse." - Matt Barber, of the Liberty Counsel, explaining to gay teens why they want to kill themselves.
Hint! It's because they're gay and Jesus hates them!
There are two possibilities here. One, Matt Barber actually believes this, and therefore, he is a psychopath. Or two, Matt Barber knows exactly how much gay teen blood is on his hands, is ridden with guilt, and the only way he can get through it is to double down on victim-blaming, because otherwise, he'd have to admit the horrible carnage he's left in his wake to make his god happy.
I know which one I'm hoping for, and it's not the one I'd bet on.
"It is for our protection and the founders’ quotes make that very very clear and including against a government that would run amuck. We’ve got some people who think Sharia Law should be the law of the land, forget the Constitution. But the guns are there… to make sure all of the rest of the Amendments are followed." - Louie Gohmert, making a strong move to oust Steve King.
I'll be getting into this more in the coming weeks, but Louie Gohmert is, in racing terminology, making his move to pass Steve King as America's Stupidest Congresscritter. The list of shit Gohmert has gone on record as believing in the past few months has been truly astonishing. Is it enough to surpass the theocratical argument that dogfighting is awesome? We will see.
Also, Louie Gohmert thinks we should shoot people over Sharia. And not just the government, that already does it on a regular basis. Just anyone with a gun. Shoot people to save America from Sharia law. Which, given the complete lack of understanding all these people have of what Sharia is and what following it means? Gohmert's calling for open season on the browns. Yay?
"Gays… forgive me: I’ve been brainwashed. It’s not gays. They’re homosexual sodomites. They’re not gay! That’s an abuse of the language... It wasn’t all that long ago that male on male sex, using the part of the male anatomy designed to excrete waste as a sex object, was found to be repulsive and was considered 'unnatural,'… and 'an act against nature.'" - Pastor Rick Scarborough, with an erection.
Um, Rick? How is peeing not excreting waste? And how, then, is the penis not a part of the male anatomy designed to excrete waste? And last time I checked, every single time a dude has heterosexual sex, he uses a part of the male anatomy designed to excrete waste as a sex object. Many straight men also use the parts of the male anatomy designed to turn on light switches as a sex object.
But keep thinking about anal sex. All the time. Constantly. And tell yourself you're fighting the good fight against homosexual sodomy by doing so.