Safe At Last

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Memo to Susan Schrivjer: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SUCCESSFUL ACTIVISM.

Breaking Bad action figures will no longer be sold in Toys R Us, thanks to Florida mom Susan Schrivjer's petition and the media attention it drew. Congratulations! That was the last problem Florida had. Now it's perfect. Good job.

I mean, I do have a couple of questions for Schrivjer and other people I've heard commenting on the story in the media. You know, just to be thorough.

First of all, many people seem surprised that Toys R Us has a section of "adult collectibles" - toys and action figures based on pop culture for grownups. This means you haven't been in a Toys R Us in, oh, at least a fucking decade. So why do you care what's sold in them? Again, just to be thorough.

Mrs. Schrivjer is concerned that children will emulate their action figures. The Walter White action figure is a middle aged man in a suit and a weird hat holding a gun with a bag of blue stuff - stuff you'd only be able to identify if you knew about Breaking Bad in the first place. So, apart from the gun, which is smaller and less interesting than the hundreds of guns wielded by other action figures, what would make a kid even remotely interested in this toy, much less interested in "emulating" it?

Now that you've successfully ridded America's toy shelves of a couple of dudes, will you now turn your attention to the other toys in the "grown-up" section? Toys R Us's website still sells cartoon poop (wouldn't want kids emulating feces), a Walking Dead Governor's Mansion knockoff Lego set, Predators (the alien), Predators (scale model of the real-life wedding-party-ruining drone), any number of horror movie mass murderers, and toys from Pac-Man And The Ghostly Adventures, a cartoon that is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

You want to protest something? Protest the $85 bust of Ryan Reynolds as the movie Green Lantern. Given a choice between my kid emulating a meth dealer and someone who likes the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie, well, I know which one is at least capable of turning a profit.

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