You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Kim Davis, Scott Walker, and the Mountain-Enraged: YOU ARE DUMB.
If there's a consistent message through this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, it's that sometimes, it's OK to stop fighting. It's OK to stop digging. You don't have to fight every thing every step of the way no matter what as if it were a life or death struggle. Or even a heaven or hell struggle. You keep doing it, because you're idiots, but I want you to know it's completely unnecessary and we're all laughing at you.
"To issue a marriage license which conflicts with God’s definition of marriage, with my name affixed to the certificate, would violate my conscience. It is not a light issue for me. It is a Heaven or Hell decision.” - Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, missing the obvious.
JUST QUIT. Your job changed. You don't like your new job duties. You don't like them so much you asked the Supreme Court to tell you you didn't have to do them, They told you to go fuck yourself and do your job. So now you have to quit, or you have to go to Hell. Or, ideally, you can do both.
If my job suddenly told me I had to do something that I knew would send me to hell, I'd be very surprised on at least three different levels. And you know what? Maybe I'd fight it. And maybe I'd lose. But ultimately, you have to admit you've lost. You may feel beholden to "God's Authority", but at some point, you need to accept that the only one who can enforce God's authority in this case is you. By quitting. And leading your verson of a godly life far away from the Howard County clerk's office. I mean, sure, there aren't any Chick-Fil-A's or Hobby Lobby's in Howard Country, but I'm sure you'll find something.
"I’ve never talked about a wall at the north, I’m certainly not now,” Walker said. “That’s just what happens when things get run amok." - Scott Walker, trying to pretend his huge misstep about the Canadian border didn't happen.
Now, when Scott Walker he "never" talked about a wall at the border, what he means is, yes he did, a little bit. He called it a legitimate issue, which, as we all know, is one of the worst possible ways to never talk about something. But I think we need to bring up the elephant in the room.
Scott Walker doesn't know how the phrase "run amok" works. Running amok is not like running over. It's not something you "get". It's something things do. Things run. How do they run? They run amok. The Trump campaign is running amok. The Walker campaign is getting run over. See the difference? No? Then apparently you can be a multi-term state governor and credible (in some circles) presidential candidate.
"'Denali' is the Kenyan word for 'Black Power'. Like and share to spread awareness.” - An actual thing you will see if you haven't blocked your crazy relatives on e-mail or Facebook.
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there's a new thing on the list of things that, when you hear someone say them, you know you never have to listen to that person again. The bad news is, that thing is "I'm really mad Barack Obama changed the name of Mount McKinley". The most extreme form of it is a totally serious, totally not-joking, and totally wrong meme that is going around right now.
But of course, this particular weird misplaced rage isn't limited to Internet crazies. Pretty much every Republican in Ohio, all the way up to John Fucking Boehner, is super-cranky that one of the EIGHT DIFFERENT presidents that came from Ohio got his name taken off a mountain in another state that he never went to and only got his name on because some prospector was happy he got nominated to run for president. Because I guess there actually was a way our politics could get pettier after all! Yay!