You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, and Ted Cruz: THANK YOU.
I can only assume that Ted Cruz' presidential strategy is to troll liberals into being so against him that conservatives think they need to be for him. Of course, Ted Cruz winning the nomination would be only slightly less awesome than Rick Perry, Mike Huckabee, or Donald Trump doing it, so I want the liberal pile-on to work in Cruz' favor in the primary, so it can fail him in the general. Of course, all this three-dimensional chess can't obscure the fact that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS WHEN ANNOUNCING THEY'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!
"What is the promise of America? The idea that -- the revolutionary idea that this country was founded upon, which is that our rights don’t come from man. They come from God Almighty.” - Ted Cruz, at evangelical clone factory and thought abbatoir Liberty University, which was clearly part of the trolling.
Now, I freely admit that I'm not much of a history buff. Certainly not at the level required to be an effective and respected United States senator. But since Ted Cruz isn't effective or respected either, let me just mention a key phrase that I remember from my history books. "Divine Right of Kings".
This, of course, was the idea that European royalty had the right to rule over the people because they were given that right by, what was the phrase Cruz used? Oh, that's right. "God Almighty". The "revolutionary" idea that founded America wasn't the idea that rights come from a god. It was simply a disagreement over which rights. And whose rights. Anyway, this guarantees the die-hard theocrat count in the 2016 GOP primary process will be at least three. Good job, Ted.
"I want to ask each of you to imagine, imagine millions of courageous conservatives, all across America, rising up together to say in unison 'we demand our liberty.'” - Cruz, speaking at Liberty University's regular convocation.
Funny thing about LibU's convocations - they're mandatory. There were reports of students being given American flags to wave, and of some students not even being aware that they were attending Ted Cruz' big presidential announcement.
Now, I hear a fact like that, and I cross-reference it with Cruz' quote above, and I can reach only one conclusion. Liberty University students don't spend a lot of time on the Internet. Because you only had to hit one news site over the weekend to know Cruz was announcing at Liberty, and you only have to hit one comments section to see millions of conservatives saying in unison that they demand their liberty. No imagination necessary.
"Imagine abolishing the IRS." - Ted Cruz. Shockingly, this was not his closer and did not garner huge laughs.
The vast majority of Cruz' speech consisted of garden-variety red meat talking points. Obamacare baaaad! Hobby Lobby goooood! Abortion baaaaaad. Traditional marriage gooooood! And then there was the whole weird autobiographical first third of the thing which I'm not even getting into because fuck your personal life story, crazy man.
But even if Cruz doesn't win the nomination, I desperately want the time between now and him pulling out of the race to include several different people asking him to imagine, and describe, abolishing the IRS. Because it's one thing for conservatives to jerk off to the idea three times a week between January 1 and April 17 (gotta allow a couple of days for the tax butthurt to wear off) and another thing to actually explain how abolishing the IRS would work since you want to do it when you're in charge of the country. I don't expect him to answer, but I want to watch him try.