For The Ladies

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Memo to Phyllis Schafly, Jesse Waters, and Susan Patton: NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL OUTREACH.

As you may have heard, conservatives are having a difficult time appealing to women. As you may also have heard, conservatives simply cannot understand why this is the case. Let's see if we can find some clues in the advice given to women by three conservatives. Two of them are even women, but more importantly, all of them are IDIOTS SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The best way to improve economic prospects for women is to improve job prospects for the men in their lives, even if that means increasing the so-called pay gap." - Phyllis Schafly, inexplicably alive and talking.

No, seriously, Phyllis fuckin' Schlafly. Forty years ago, she was telling her fellow women to shut the fuck up and get back in the fucking kitchen, and she hasn't stopped.

Here she's explaining that if women just got themselves a well-paid man, they wouldn't have to worry about making as much as a man, and the more their man made relative to women, the better off they'd be because he'd give her a bigger allowance in exchange for anal or something. The point is, if you're single or a lesbian, abject poverty will drive you into the arms of heterosexual matrimony like Jesus and Phyllis Schafly intended. Vote Republican, ladies!

"She needs the single ladies vote. I call them the 'Beyonce voters,' the single ladies. Obama won single ladies by 76 percent last time and they made up about a quarter of the electorate. They depend on government because they're not depending on their husbands. They need things like contraception, health care and they love to talk about equal pay.” - Jesse Watters, the one man on a five-person panel on the awful Fox show "Outnumbered".

This being a Fox show and not a real-life situation, not only did Watters leave the set with both his testicles in their normal, not-wrapped-around-the-back-of-his-neck location, but none of the women on the panel even questioned or objected to this in any way. Even though, as slightly-less-well-paid-than-Bill-And-Sean lady professionals, they're probably not depending on their husbands for things married women don't even need like contraception and health care.

Also, if there's any way we can get an executive order barring Jesse Watters from ever uttering the phrase "Beyonce voters" again, we'd be one step closer to Utopia.

"If you are in your mid-30s or older the idea that you’re going to find yourself another husband, almost impossible. And if you don’t believe me ask your maiden aunt, she will tell you when she’s done feeding the cats." - Susan Patton, advising Fox's Steve Doocy on why women need to keep their husbands happy at all costs.

The segment was called "Husband Appreciation: Sage Advice For Wives". One piece of said sage advice from Patton was making sure you had a cocktail ready for your husband after his long day at work. Nobody was doing a bit. I am not doing a bit. These are things that happened. There is recorded footage. You can find it. Don't find it. You won't like it.

There are, even in younger generations, women that are fine with this retrograde patriarchal bullshit. But there are less of them every year. So all I can say to Schlafly, Watters, and Patton is, don't ever change. And Fox, keep putting them on television.

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