Midterm Fever! Report It To The CDC!

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Memo to potential midterm voters: I KNOW, BUT.

I haven't talked much about the midterms, even though they're only a few weeks away. I think it's because here in Minnesota, they're not very interesting. Our governor is likely to be re-elected because he's done a pretty good job. Al Franken is likely to be re-elected because he's done a pretty good job. Keith Ellison is likely to be re-elected because if his district were any more blue Pantone would have to come here to recalibrate it. And he's done a pretty good job.

This isn't Wisconsin, for example, where the governor has done kind of a shitty job, and so nobody's sure if he'll win or not. Or any of the other races where people are yelling and squabbling and castrating hogs and claiming fans are "electronic devices."

OK, I admit that last one was pretty awesome. Rick Scott claiming the debate rules' ban on electronic devices meant that Charlie Crist couldn't have a fan blowing air on him during the debate. And then after the fact denying that he'd done it in the kind of overcompensatory blustery attack that you just know means he knows he got caught being a wuss and isn't happy about it.

But these midterms aren't very interesting. I don't even get to complain about Michele Bachmann winning again because she's not running. Some other shithead Republican will win the seat because it's the Sixth District. I don't even know who it is. Hold on, let me look.

Oh, right, it's Tom Emmer, failed gubernatorial candidate who finally realized his best shot at a continued political career was to go someplace without any Democrats in it and run there. Good call, asshole.

Anyway, you probably feel the same way about your midterm elections. But you've still got to vote. And vote for the Democrat.

And yes, that's even in the fairly likely event that your Democrat is awful. A lot of them are. A lot of them are out there shooting guns and hating illegal immigrants and pretending they didn't vote for Obama because they want "moderate" gun-toting, anti-immigrant, Obama-hating Republicans to like them. They suck hard.

But their opponents are worse. And not only are their opponents worse, even the ones that are only a little bit worse will end up being a lot worse because if you think they're going to get in there and vote their conscience on issues, I hope you feel OK after waking up from your 40-year coma. They'll vote the way they have to vote, and which parts of government their party controls will largely determine the way they have to vote.

And let's not forget the post-election messaging and media coverage, which will treat a Democratic loss of the Senate as a repudiation of "liberal" (really center-right) policies and, across the board, will say that Obama needs to spend his last two years doing what the Republican-controlled Congress wants for the sake of bipartisanship, because, after all, the electorate has spoken.

And if you're part of the electorate, and the electorate will have been seen to have spoken whether they all speak or not, then, well, you fucking well better speak. Hold your nose, clench your buttcheeks, abandon adolescent third-party fantasies, vote for the infinitesimally lesser of two evils, hate yourself for it, go home, take a shower, and comfort yourself that maybe you slowed the inevitable slide into the abyss a little bit.

It's not much, but since you're probably not a multimillionaire, it's all you're really allowed to do, so you might as well.

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