You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Mike Webb, Donald Trump, and Greg Abbott: YOU ARE DUMB>
So many quotes in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. Well, OK. It's three quotes. Like most of the rest of them. But they're good quotes. A quote I missed out on last week, a quote that proves my predictive skills, and a quote from a governor being an asshole on Twitter. Enjoy.
“Curious by nature, I wanted to test the suggestion that somehow, lurking out in the pornographic world there is some evil operator waiting for the one in a gazillion chance that a candidate for federal office would go to that particular website and thereby be infected with a virus that would cause his or her FEC data file to crash the FEC file application each time that it was loaded on the day of the filing deadline, as well as impact other critical campaign systems." - Independent Congressional candidate Mike Webb, with the worst excuse in political history.
There's no way you don't know by now what Mike Webb was making an excuse for, because this happened during my break week and every comedy show on the planet covered it, but for my Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer readers, he tweeted out a screenshot of a map website for a campaign event that also featured browser tab titles for IVONE SEXY AMATEUR and LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY. Though running as an independent, Mike Webb is apparently a Republican.
Ah, Republican America. Where touching your penis because it feels good is shameful, but going to shady websites to see if they'll destroy valuable files you need for your campaign is perfectly reasonable. I would have been more likely to believe him if he told me Layla Rivera was a historical pirate known for her strict money management and Ivone was a very attractive woman he was watching have sex while he pretended she wasn't a professional porn star'. I'm sorry, it's just that there's no other way to interpret SEXY AMATEUR. Which is why he had to lie about viruses.
"He had intimate knowledge of what was going on. He knew everything that was going on, and then all of a sudden he committed suicide.” - Donald Trump, proving me right.
When you look at the election and, in a moment of weakness, think that Donald Trump will win, remember that three weeks ago, I predicted that he wouldn't. And three weeks ago, I also predicted that Trump would be unable to resist bringing up Vince Foster, the Clinton aide whose tragic suicide was monstrously exploited by the fringe right to fuel their Hillary-hatred by implying the Clintons had him murdered.
And boom, there it is. I actually thought it'd take until the middle of the summer, but it took TWENTY DAYS from my prediction for Trump to play the Foster card. I mean, don't get complacent or anything. You still have to get out there and vote against him. But I was right about the Foster thing, so don't fucking panic. He'll lose. Because he's going to spend all his time answering questions about what he said with lies about him not saying what he said.
“JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women's restroom. We must get our country back on track. #tcot Texas governor Greg Abbott, a True Cockhead On Transgender
Greg Abbott thinks he's a Top Conservative On Twitter, but I think we all know that behind closed doors, he's a bottom. Anyway, poor Governor Abbott is all mad that President Obama won't let Abbott discriminate against people just because he doesn't understand what gender they are.
Well, tough shit, Abbott. Barack Obama is in the last year of his last term, and one consequence of that is that he no longer has to even pretend to cater to your crazy irrational biases for any fucking reason whatsoever. He doesn't have to "evolve" like he did on gay marriage. By which I mean evolve from lying about his support to get elected to no longer having to lie about it. No, you're being an omnitool about the bathroom thing and Obama's doing everything in his power to make things better for the people you're picking on because you're losing every other social battle. In some ways, that's braver than a moonshot.