Roosh, Limp, Bawls.

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Memo to Return of Kings: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

It's a good thing I was already planning to devote this week's Men's Rights Monday to The Great Clustermeet, because the dumpster residents at Return of Kings haven't talked about anything else for a week. So here, in a brief summary, is the story of The Meetup That Wasn't, or How A Circle Jerk Was Transformed Into The More Customary Multiple Discrete Point Source Jerking.

See, about a week or so ago, the Return of Kings crowd had planned meetups in various cities around the globe. These meetings attracted a certain amount of media attention thanks to the infamy of Return of Kings' founder Roosh Valizadeh, who wrote a blog post last year claiming he wanted to make rape legal on private property. When I read this, I assumed this was the usual attempt at pseudo-Swiftian bullshit you often see from glibertarians and assholes, and, indeed, that is what Valizadeh claims.

The problem with pseudo-Swiftian "satire" is that, for it to work, your modest proposal needs to be so far away from your actual views that people figure out the joke. And in my time perusing RoK, I've seen enough to know that the refuse-Americans in the Men's Rights Movement already disavow anything short of forcible stranger rape. Too drunk to consent? Not rape. Consenting under false pretenses? Not rape. In a relationship? Not rape. So the actual gap between Roosh and his followers' actual position and the stated satirical position is (dick joke) pretty damn tiny.

This has led Valizadeh being branded a "pro-rape activist' in the public eye, which he objects to, on the grounds that the one time he said it overtly, he was kidding. The media attention to Roosh transferred to the meetings, which sponsored counterprotests, which promised a hilarious attempt by Return of Kings to keep things secret by enacting a series of locations, code words, and hoops for people to jump through that were publicized by the press. Then the meetups were cancelled because they were afraid women were going to beat them up.

Or at the very least, they "officially" cancelled the meetups and took the whole thing to e-mail, which I'm sure led to a patriarchy-enhancing series of dudes wandering around various Applebees looking for Mann, party of three. Mann, party of three.

In the wake of the cancellation, the response from the garbage crew is exactly what you'd expect, only turned up to eleven. The event itself was both a simple happy hour and part of a movement so important THE MACHINE HAD TO CRUSH IT. One writer, I shit you not, claimed that the media ginned up the whole controversy to distract from the Trans Pacific Partnership signing in New Zealand, and a couple of right-wing fantasy stories about terrorist refugees and the unemployment rate drop going entirely to furriners.

Except, of course, that the Return of Kings meetups were, even at their peak, a tiny blip in the news cycle. Even for a group that loves to exaggerate tiny blips, anyone whose eyes aren't busy focusing on the slightest sign of an exploitable erection would know that the media's way too busy on the Iowa and New Hampshire presidential contests to give a shit about anything else. No conspiracy needed if your ego allows you to actually recognize stupidity.

And, of course, they claimed victory in the face of defeat, because THE WORLD WILL SEE HOW WRONGED WE WERE AND FIND THEIR WAY TO THE TRUTH. There is literally nothing that can happen that these feebs will not claim will grow their ranks. But I want to draw special attention to a warning from Canadian "Davis M.J. Aurini". Which reminds me, I need to devote at least a couple of weeks this year to the author bios of these turdwaffles, because they are goddamned masterpieces of unintentional hilarity. Anyway, since his warning was directed at me and my ilk specifically, I'll ACTUAL QUOTE TIME that shit.

"A final word for all of those who attacked us, slandered us, and threatened us; we, the men who would defend you against those who would enslave and exploit you; we who fight, not for ourselves, but for the future. We will remember who you are, and we are a larger chorus than you know."

I don't question your numbers, asspolyp. I question your effectiveness. So remember away, chorus boy. I will continue to remain unconcerned and chuckling, because I know EXACTLY how effective being mad at stuff on the Internet is at effecting change.

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