The History Of Halloween

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Memo to Halloween: I AM LAZY.

Now that sexy costumes have jumped the sexy shark (and yes, there are sexy shark costumes, so if you see a lady wearing one this weekend, be sure to tell her you'll be her chum), I'm out of Halloween-related shit to say. This is because, in the past, I've talked about Halloween nearly every year, to one degree or another. And in the spirit of spending more time not writing something and instead looking up old columns than I would have spent actually writing something, I give you the You Are Dumb History of Halloween! One day early, because I've got something else planned for tomorrow!

2004: The Original Really Vague Halloween Tie-In. I've Ben Pulling This Shit For A Long Time.

2005: Lame Christian Halloween Knockoffs (Eventually)

2006: You Are Dumb Halloween Costumes

2007: The Scariest Democrat Contest

2008: The Scariest Ads Of The 2008 Campaign, Also The Weakest Tie-In On This Page

2009: Old-Fashioned Halloween Book Burning

Also 2009: Christian Halloween Ranting So Batshit Insane Even I'd Forgotten How Batshit Insane It Was

2011: A bunch of stuff, especially a Target promotion that made me angry.

2013: Blackface!

Seriously, if you only go back and read one of these, read Also 2009's. It's hilariawesome.

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