You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
OK, fuckers, you get a reprieve. Larry The Cable Guy Who Is Also Inexplicably A Health Inspector opened in seventh place, taking in what I'm guessing is double its catering budget, and that's only because "blue collar comics" don't eat a lot of arugula.
So society is only as stupid as I thought it was. Which means you need to put away the noisemakers and cake, because that's not something to celebrate. That just means we can breathe a sigh of relief and go on wailing at the rest of the bullshit.
And anyway, we need the noisemakers and cake for an entirely different party. It's so incredibly rare that we in the stupidity-monitoring business catch a break. It's so rare that something incredibly, hideously dumb benefits the rational and sane that we need to all, collectively, send a metaphorical giant fruit basket of thanks to Daniel Edwards, sculptor.
Because Daniel Edwards has created the definitive work of modern political art. It's titled "Monument To Pro-Life: The Birth Of Sean Preston", and is a statue of a nude woman engaged in childbirth. Which would not normally be of note, except that'd be Sean-Preston-Federline-Spears we're talking about here.
I cannot, due to bounds of good taste and full knowledge of where you're all reading this from*, include a picture of the statue. I will, however, provide you with the means to view it yourself, with the usual caveat that you will enjoy yourself more if you once again let me take the hit for the team and describe what I've already seen.
Because the statue departs from known reality in several interesting ways. First and foremost because it doesn't include a team of surgeons providing Britney with her cooch-preserving vanity Caesarian. I know it's important for Britney to maintain her figure, because every second Kevin Federline is screwing her is a second Kevin Federline isn't rapping**, but it's still funny to me to honor Britney "for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision", when a big part of that choice and bravery involved preserving her birth canal for a decidedly non-procreative purpose.
I will not dwell on the artistic decision to cast Britney on all fours, gripping a bearskin rug, as the baby crowns. Partly because I think it's rude to the artist, and mostly because all the best jokes have been done already. And anyway, I came to thank Daniel Edwards, not to bury him. Because he's given us something invaluable, something priceless, something that will remain long after his statue is melted down into souvenier gag license plates.
He's given us an answer to "Piss Christ".
You remember Piss Christ. Andres Serrano's controversial piece from 1989 with a crucifix submerged in urine? Colloquially known as "Tinkle On The Mount", "The Yellow Fellow", or "Weesus". You wouldn't remember it, except that since NINETEEN MOTHER EIGHTY FUCKING NINE, right-wing shits have been bringing it up as an example of the perfidy of every human being to the left of Newt Gingrich. Well, that shit stops now.
Britney's Baby cancels out Piss Christ completely and utterly. It negates it. Finally, the right wing has gotten an ugly piece of agendoid art into a gallery, after years of selling it on T-shirts and in Christian bookshops. And now it's part of the public consciousness, and after 17 years, we can finally go around saying that anyone who opposes abortion must think the ideal of motherhood is Britney Spears in full fucksquat, making her brave, brave choice.
So pass the cake already.
*You fucking slackers.
**We all hope, at least.