You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Orrin Hatch and Phoenix Fox 10. YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!
I will admit, I don't watch as much wrestling as I used to. Everything has its ebbs and its swells, and what's being put on TV these days just isn't as interesting as it used to be. But still, pro wrestling is not without its charms. For example, the YOU FUCKED UP chant.
Wrestling is, after all, a series of somewhat pre-planned, choreographed maneuvers. With anything like that, performed several nights a week in front of a live crowd, mistakes will be made. And for some time now, when those mistakes are made, it's traditional for the hundreds or thousands of fans in attendance to chant, at the top of their lungs, YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!
There's something very refreshing, very freeing about that kind of instant feedback. No weaseling, no excuses, Someone fucked up, someone heard an angry mob yelling at them for fucking up. It's so pure, so beautiful, that it's a shame it's frequently wasted on a bunch of low-paid athletes risking their bodies for the entertainment of redneck racist Creed fans.
When I have my apotheosis, the first thing I'm going to do is make sure the audiences for all the Sunday morning talk shows are full to bursting with drunk ECW fans whose heads I will fill, using my godly powers, with vast amounts of history and policy knowledge. That way, when Orrin Hatch goes on there and says something like:
"Carol Lam, it's amazing to me she wasn't fired earlier because for three years members of the Congress had complained that there had been all kinds of border patrol capture of these people but hardly any prosecutions. She was a former law professor, no prosecutorial experience, and the former campaign manager in Southern California for Clinton, and they're trying to say that this administration appoints people politically?"
...the crowd will know that Carol Lam was in fact never a law professor, and was a prosecutor for something approaching a decade and a half, and immediately start chanting. YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! And then everyone would know that Orrin Hatch fucked up, and you wouldn't have to hear his sorry-ass excuse. ACTUAL SORRY-ASS EXCUSE TIME!
"My comments about Carol Lam's record as a U.S. Attorney were accurate, but I misspoke when making the point of discussing politically connected U.S. Attorneys. I accidentally used her name, instead of her predecessor, Alan Bersin, who was appointed by President Bill Clinton." In my world, you wouldn't have even been able to read that excuse, because a bunch of rowdy motherfuckers would have shoved Hatch's secretary aside after they typed "accurate", and the rest of the page would have had "YOU FUCKED UP!" on it in Times New Roman 12 point.
Similarly, my politically-savvy hooligans would have come in handy at the studios of Phoenix's Fox affiliate. Their local news did a segment on a stupid April Fool's poll on who the stupidest American is. The poll was won by Britney Spears, and the robo-anchor dutifully read what he was given. The only problem was, at the same time, the station ran its OWN poll on who it was. And in THAT poll, Britney was beaten, 40% to 33%, by George W. Bush.
So the news story about Britney winning the national poll was accompanied by a graphic showing the results of the local poll, with Glorious Leader clearly in the lead. At which point robo-anchor bumbled, and got out of it with a lame "Well, you can still vote if you want." A situation which clearly called for a second-person pronoun, a past-tense verb, and a modifier indicating direction. Sadly, no such words were uttered, because, as I may have mentioned in the past, I'm not in charge of a goddamned thing. And that's fucked up.