You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to the dumbest of the dumb: IT'S LONG OVERDUE.
I'm not sure why I haven't done this before. I've hinted at it, certainly, in some previous columns. Discussed that there are people so far beyond the pale, so bugfuck, that it almost becomes counterproductive to mock them in the column. People who say so much stupid, vile shit that practical considerations alone keep me from commenting every time it happens. The Hall Of Lame, if you will.
But I need something punchier, a bit more me. These are people whose sole goal in life is to take Sweet Reason itself, bash its head in with a rock, then fuck the still metaphorically steaming metaphorical brains in an act of simultaneous pleasure and desecration. They are the Necrocerebrophiliacs.
I'll just quickly name the three founding members - people who, as I've said, have mentioned in this space before and thus come pre-qualified: Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps, and Ann Coulter. People who, every time they open their mouths, dry-hump rationality until it's raw. And to their august number we add a fourth. And it's only fitting, since we have a stretcher of credibility, a secret flamer, and a woman who desperately needs to be seen, that they be joined by a man as dense as rock itself.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Oklahoma senator Jim Inhofe.
When we last saw Inhofe in this space, he was loudly proclaiming the complete heterosexuality of his entire family tree, all the way back to Adam, on the floor of the United States Senate. But he's taken a short break from kicking gays and excusing torture to take up a new hobby - loudly decrying Al Gore's movie, "An Inconvenient Truth".
Inhofe seems incapable of passing up an opportunity to insult Gore and his movie. Kind of like how I'm incapable of passing up an opportunity to insult Jim Inhofe. The only difference is, I've seen what Inhofe has to say, while Inhofe hasn't actually seen Gore's movie.
But that didn't stop him from telling the Tulsa World that "I know the text, and I know they are using old stuff that has been totally discredited. Everything on which they based their story, in terms of the facts, has been refuted scientifically."
Oh, well, that settles it. The reddest-necked man in the Senate, someone who probably hasn't even seen a test tube since the last time he gave a nerd a wedgie, insists that the glaciers aren't actually shrinking and that there are plenty of polar bears around. Shit, that's good enough for me! I'm gonna buy me a big pile of coal and just dump it in the front yard and set that fucker on fire. The polar bears love that!
But being a global-warming denier with his hand deep in the tighty-whities of Big Oil isn't quite enough to enshrine Jim Inhofe as a Necrocerebrophile. For that, we will have to turn to that most damning of criticisms, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"It kind of reminds . . . I could use the Third Reich, the big lie. You say something over and over and over and over again, and people will believe it, and that's their strategy."
I could point out the insanity. I could point out the hypocrisy. I could point out the complete apparent lack of irony. But all I really do is point, and say that there walks a man with his dick buried in the medulla oblongata of our society. He is completely, utterly bugfuck, and anyone who takes him seriously does so at their own peril. Me, I'm retiring his number.