You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Todd Starnes: YOU ARE... IMPRESSIVE? SORT OF?
Being a dick on Twitter is not new. It's a well-known fact that the second ever tweet was a reply to the first ever tweet, and said only "FUCK YOU N00B." But like any other art form, being a dick on Twitter has its own different disciplines and experts, and it's difficult to deny that Todd Starnes is a modern master.
First, it's important that Todd Starnes isn't just any old Twitterdick. He manages to be a dick of nigh-epic proportions while allegedly tweeting as a professional pundit, columnist, and Fox News contributor. Which I know are three synonyms for "dick", but generally it's a slightly different kind of dickery than what Starnes pulls on Twitter.
Second, Starnes' speed can't be beat. He will go from zero to full-blown unrepentant asshole in a matter of seconds. Todd Starnes refuses to even accept the concept of "too soon" as a thing.
And third, a weird combination of incredible versatility and singleness of purpose. Todd Starns is capable of taking nearly any situation, and, in 140 characters, blaming it on Barack Obama.
Russian militants shoot down a passenger jet killing over 200 people halfway around the planet from Obama? Not a problem for TODD STARNES/ TWITTERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE!
"Russia bracing for a severe hash tag from the Obama Administration." - Starnes, tweeting about 45 minutes into the unfolding incident, if my timelines and time zone conversion are correct.
Yes, in less than an hour, Todd Starnes had decided that Russia was to blame, that the Obama administration wouldn't do anything about it, that a real leader WOULD do something amazingly forceful about it, and tied it all back in to the right-wing dickery over the Bring Back Our Girls hashtag. And this was one of three similar tweets in the same timeframe about Obama being on vacation and hearing about news late.
I mean, even Greta Van Susteren, no stranger to being a flawed human being herself, suggested that perhaps Starnes should wait until the corpses have stopped smoldering before ranting about the President's golf game. I'm paraphrasing, but only slightly.
But it doesn't take an international incident to start Todd Starnes on his incredibly rapid journey to TWITTERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE. Let's see what happens when, say, you make a brown person Miss America?
"The liberal Miss America judges won't say this - but Miss Kansas lost because she actually represented American values. #missamerica”
Yeah! Everyone knows real American values means a white Miss America. We've already color-coordinated all the parade floats and sashes around Caucasian skin. Not giving it to a corn-fed Kansan is just inconsiderate. But surely, the Grammys can't set him off. What's that you say? A mass gay wedding during Same Love? TWITTERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE TO THE RESCUE!
"Macklemore launches a hate-filled, bigoted, intolerant diatribe against Christians."
Of course he did, Todd. Of course he did. Given Starnes' propensity for a wildly disproportionate response, I don't think his position on the current Israel-Gaza conflict will come as a shock to anyone.
"Obama won't even protect America's borders. What makes you think he'll support Israel?"
Sure, technically, it's Israel that sent troops across its border with a foreign land, making Todd's comparison the complete inverse of what's actually happening, but cognitive dissonance isn't even a speed bump on the careening path to TWITTERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE!
So, congratulations on finding your calling, Todd. Sure, your calling involves making the world a worse place, but you've got a lot of company in that regard.